DARPA to extend Futures Markets to Courts

[Tim May]

WASHINGTON, 30 July The Pentagon has announced plans to offer the 
FutureMAP technology to courtrooms and their employees.

"Court officers, judges, clerks, persecutors, and even bailiffs will be 
able to participate in the exciting technology of futures markets," 
gushed Rear Admiral and Arms Dealer John Poindexter.

"Before a decision is reached, before even the jury has gone to the 
jury box, people will be able to make side bets on various outcomes, 
with odds set by the collective action of all. The betting and payoffs 
are done anonymously, so there are no pesky income tax issues to worry 
about," added Poindexter.

Poindexter said that the information revealed by the futures market for 
legal decisions will also help guide judges to make the correct 
decisions. "I envision this as the ultimate computer technology for the 
legal profession."

Said one judge in the Ninth Circuit, "As judges we are very poorly 
paid. How can we live on $160,000 a year? This system will allow us to 
earn a little bit of money on the side. My clerks are very excited, 
too. One of my rocket scientists has some ideas about how we can juice 
up the odds on a long shot decision, with some preliminary rulings, and 
then swoop in for the kill with the bets we have placed on the actual 
decision! Cayman Islands, here I come!"

Rear Admiral Poindexter denounced critics of the system as Chicken 
Littles. "We have checks and balances in place. Don't forget, our 
office also operates the Total Information Awareness Program, so those 
microphones and DARPA-developed miniature cameras will really come in 
handy to check that nobody is abusing the system."