Morons of the year.
mattd
mattd at useoz.com
Sun Jan 6 01:33:17 PST 2002
Subject: morons.org
What year could be complete without PETA doing something seriously dumb to get
1 0 attention? PETA is well-known for its publicity stunts and for its
reputation of doing absolutely nothing at all to help animals, but plenty
of things to hurt people. They're more anti-human than pro-beast. This
year, PETA's president, Ingrid Newkirk took the cake when she said she
hopes that foot and mouth disease spreads to the US. That clinches it. Not
only do they not do anything to help animals, they actually want them to
come to harm. What a strange group.
A twelve-year-old deaf girl in New Jersey was threatened with suspension
from school. In
9 this day and age you'd think that meant she spoke the word "gun" to a
friend on a weekend in a field 20 miles away from the nearest school, but
that wasn't her crime in this case. No, her crime was signing. That's
right. Being deaf, she speaks with sign language. Supposedly signing on the
bus was creating a disturbance. Ironically, the girl's hearing was damaged
at that same school by someone setting off fireworks in an enclosed space.
We explored the inanity of knee-jerk reactions in Zero Tolerance Gone Mad,
part IV. A
8 Nevada school expelled a boy for an off-the-cuff remark he made outside
of school, saying he fit the "profile" of a suicidal mass murderer,
Columbine style. Their profile? He's a good kid, gets good grades, is well
liked, dresses neatly, and has ADHD. Oh, and he owned a BB gun! The school
labeled him a "habitual offender" even though he had no prior disciplinary
record, and he was hauled off to jail.
Next we have the story of the mayor of a small Florida town who decided to
expel the
7 devil from it. Really. I can't make things up this good. She wrote her
proclamation out on 4 pieces of paper, which were then placed into hollowed
out wooden posts that were placed at the four corners of town, witchcraft
style. Presumably the dark lord is intimidated by hollowed out wooden posts
with papers inside.
After we waited an entire year for Hollywood to turn out a watchable movie
that didn't 6 make us run from the theater screaming, "my eyes! my eyes!"
they gave us Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Mind you, this is no
American Beauty or Truman Show, but at least it isn't the usual crap. As
one might expect, fundamentalist Christians had a field day with the movie,
going on about how its appeal would draw helpless children into Witchcraft.
Hey guys, here's a clue for you: witchcraft is a fantasy, just like your
religion.
Pat Robertson, the foaming-at-the-mouth, power-hungry scoundrel who
recently retired 5 from running the Christian Coalition surprised a number
of people by advocating abortion for Chinese women. While we agreed with
his sentiment, it was surprising to hear it coming out of his mouth
nonetheless. It was (and is) our suspicion that his advocacy was based on
anti-China hatred, which got the better of his staunch anti-abortion views.
Jerry Falwell. Oh, should I say more? OK. Jerry Falwell drew harsh
criticism from the four 4 winds, even from people sympathetic to his
sickening views, after accusing his opponents of causing the tragic
terrorist attacks on the US. Two weeks after he made an ass of himself on
the 700 Club, he claimed his comments were taken out of context. His son
sent out letters to Falwell's followers asking for $50 or $100 to help his
dear old dad recover from "Satan's fiery darts" that were supposedly
launched against Jerry in a "mean spirited" attack. It's not an attack when
it's simply the truth, Jonathan Falwell. Falwell claimed he simply
"misspoke" for 35 seconds because he was tired.
And on the topic of Jerry Falwell, we can't forget how he blamed the
terrorist attacks on
3 his political opponents: gays, lesbians, the ACLU, the People for the
American Way, and the general secularizing of America. What's better is one
of our readers (who is now one of our writers!) predicted it 2 days
beforehand. Reports of his comments were hard to believe, but we found them
and placed the audio online for all to hear. The ironic thing is that it
turned out that religious extremism (fundamentalism, if you will) had a lot
more to do with the attack on the US than the existence of gays and
lesbians. Not to be clichi, but it turns out the only difference between
Falwell's regime and Osama bin Laden's is weaponry.
Things got a little scary toward the end of the year. OK, they actually got
absolutely 2 terrifying. Our buddy John Ashcroft went on the record saying
those who oppose his efforts to destroy civil liberties in this country
might as well be terrorists. Ok, so those weren't his words exactly, but he
did say "To those who pit Americans against immigrants, citizens against
non-citizens, to those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost
liberty, my message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists for they
erode our national unity and diminish our resolve. They give ammunition to
America's enemies and pause to America's friends. They encourage people of
good will to remain silent in the face of evil." Close enough. Opposing his
agenda, you see, is like giving aid and comfort to terrorists. He didn't
say it like that because of the obvious implication that he was accusing
dissenters of treason. It was so scary that we drew a parallel between
Ashcroft and McCarthy, as this sounded a lot like McCarthyism revisited to us.
By far the largest scoring article of 2001 was Alcatel Fucks Up Bigtime.
This was a
1 critical article for morons.org because it was one of the first pieces of
original investigative journalism we were able to do, and because of the
huge amount of attention it drew. Alcatel had come under fire for a nasty
security vulnerability with its DSL modems when it announced it had no
intention of releasing a patch and merely suggested users run firewalls
(which wouldn't have helped anyway). We got a tip that in Alcatel's press
release they had used a Microsoft Word feature that stores a document's
revision history. It was relatively easy to view that revision history, and
some of the comments it contained were terribly interesting. Comments like
"Why don't we provide this level of security to all of our customers? Why
don't we switch on firewalls by default for all of our customers?" Oops.
So there you have it. The year in stupidity compressed into 10 paragraphs.
If the world continues to deteriorate into absolute brainlessness at the
present rate, I think I'll just stay inside and hide next year.---Nick
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