Condit Censured, To Be Flogged

[Anonymous]

WASHINGTON, D.C. July 17 (Reuters) - Rep. Gary Condit's popularity
rating took another dip today when the U.S. House of Representatives
voted to censure the errant Congressman and, in a surprise move, to
have him publicly flogged next week at the George Washington Memorial
Whipping Post in the Washington Mall.

"We needed to send a message to the American people that we will no
longer tolerate murderers in high public office in the United States.
We hear what the American people is saying and we want to communicate
in the clearest way possible that the Clinton Era is over." said House
Majority Leader Dick Armey (R.).  "Gary has been asking for this in so
many different ways that I almost think he wants it.  That is my only
regret."

Condit has not yet been convicted of murder, so the House acted under
an obscure provision originally intended to keep minors out of the
prison system.  The Congressman will receive ten lashes from a trained
employee of the Bureau of Prisons at high noon, July 23.  After each
stroke, one of the Ten Commandments will be read to, and then repeated
by, Condit.  Should any errors occur, the count will start again from
the beginning.  Government spokesmen were unsure whether the
Commandments were to be read from the King James version of the Bible
or in the original Hebrew.

After the flogging, Condit will be confined to the public stocks for
eight hours to be taunted by the crowd and pelted with rotten produce.
"I don't like Mondays" was Condit's only comment on the sentence.

The family of Chandra Levy, Condit's suspected victim, declined an
invitation to VIP seating at the event.  "We appreciate and empathize
with the sentiment of the U.S. Congress in this matter, but we would
prefer to see the process of law properly followed.  Condit is being
punished for being another lying Bible-thumping scumbag, but he should
be tried and punished for his actual crime.  We would like to know
what happened to our daughter." said Levy's father.

The Levy family has been critical of the handling of the case by the
Washington, D.C. police who are widely seen as having treated it
differently from others.  A D.C. police spokesman has hotly denied
that interpretation, stating "It is the standard practice of our
department to delay searching the home of a prime murder suspect with
political influence for two months and then try to pin the crime on
some black guy, or possibly claim the victim killed him or herself.
Nobody is receiving special treatment."

Condit spokesmen maintain that Condit has been falsely accused and is
the victim of mass hysteria.  "It would be hard to murder any young
attractive woman in this city without finding a squirrely Congressman
somehow involved who would lie about his relationship with her."

Civil libertarians have expressed concern that Condit's punishment
erodes the division between Church and State, a treasured American
tradition.  The ACLU has proposed that the Bill of Rights be
substituted for the Ten Commandments, but has declined to challenge
the punishment in court.  Said a spokesman, "We have defended Nazis,
Klansmen, child molesters, and Communists, but Rep. Condit has sunk so
low that not even the ACLU is willing to touch him no matter what the
merits of the case."  The ACLU is rumored to be considering a
challenge on the grounds that it is "cruel" to permit the Congressman
to keep his life.

The Bill of Rights proposal received a cool reception on Capitol Hill
amid suggestions that Condit is not the only Congressman who would
benefit from learning its provisions in a like manner.