Come to jesus

Matthew X profrv at
Thu Apr 8 07:04:26 PDT 1999

  jimmyd _writes "
Boy, I know what I'm doing this weekend. I'm trotting on down to my local 
adult novelty emporium and get me a 'Baby Jesus Butt Plug,' and a 
'Jackhammer Jesus Dildo.' Then come this Sunday, I'm gonna put on my best, 
get my girl, and go to church. Of course, I'll have that 'Baby Jesus Butt 
Plug' stuck up my ass, and my girl will have her 'Jackhammer Jesus Dildo' 
balls deep in her snatch. Then we're gonna praise Jesus with the rest of 
the flock.
You think ole jimmyd's fuckin' wit ya? You think this sounds like part of a 
Tom Zupko/Extreme Associates video? No fucking way, homeys. I got my July 
2002 AVN Supplement, and on Page 562 is the 'Baby Jesus Butt Plug' from 
Divine Productions, Inc. Here's what AVN staffer Susie Ehrlich had to say 
about this little novelty item:
"Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam, so I shoved Him up my ass. He's 4-1/2 
inches high, an inch and a half in diameter, and he's made of silicone. 
This very special butt plug features the likeness of Christ the Savior as a 
young'un wrapped in blankets, with only His beatific face peeking out. His 
legs form the base for a handy flange, keeping Him (and me) from sufering 
the embarrassment of being hauled out of my colon by the emergency room 
staff when I get carried away with my own kind of religious experience."
Whoa! I'll bet Susi's a fun girl to pray with.
And then a handful of pages later, we have Susie's take on the 'Jackhammer 
Jesus Dildo,' which is your basic crucifixion molded in silicone in the 
form of a dildo, and it's also from those whacky folks at Divine Products, 
"If that irritating Jews for Jesus cult would just promise a 
glow-in-the-dark silicone crucifix dildo to each new member, they might 
actually attract a few people who aren't completely insane. Something for 
the heretic who has everything."
Other dildos from Divine include: The Virgin Mary, The Diving Nun, Moses, 
and more.
Ya know, I think these Divine people are on to something here, and I think 
I'll give them a couple of suggestions to toss around. Here's my ideas for 
some new religious sex novelties you guys can also manufacture and distribute:
'Buddha Butt Creme' - It comes in a variety of sexy Kama Sutra flavors like 
passionfruit and chicken curry. 'Buddha Butt Creme' is an all-purpose anal 
lube with just a hint of a topical pain killer added for those sensitive 
assholes out there.
'Allah's Anal Probe' - This is the one item no Islamic couple should be 
without, or any other religious couple for that matter. While it looks and 
feels like most anal probes on the market, this one's different. It's made 
of a new, spage-age alloy which allows it to be heated to very high, desert 
temperatures and then that temperature is maintained in almost any 
environment, even the inside of a colon. Simply heat up the 'Allah's Anal 
Probe' in a microwave or a coventional oven, or hell, even in a campfire, 
and then shove it up your loved one's ass. He or she will think they're 
speaking with Allah Himself as they start shouting in tongues.
'I'm A Little Jew Boy Penis Extender' - Tired of going through life with 
all that guilt because you've never gotten your woman off? Them days are 
history, little jew boy. With your 'I'm A Little Jew Boy' penis extender 
you'll add a fat 4 inches to your puny little Hebrew cock. And that's not 
all, it's battery operated and vibrates at a fierce, passion-inducing rate. 
You'll have your girl shouting 'Oye Vey' for more, as you plug her snatch 
with this baby time and time again.
Well, that's all the ideas I'm giving away for free today. I hear Divine's 
coming out with a children's line of religious sex toys begining with the 
'Lil' Pedo Jesus' collection. That stuff oughta fly off the shelves! So if 
anyone at Divine wants more of jimmyd's ideas, they're going to have cough 
up some of them sacreligious bucks they're making.
Oh, as a little postscript, I might add that I wouldn't donate two cents to 
defend this shit either. And I ain't even a religious guy.

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