Come to jesus
profrv at nex.net.au
Thu Apr 8 07:04:26 PDT 1999
BABY JESUS BUTT PLUGS AND MORE!
jimmyd _writes "
Boy, I know what I'm doing this weekend. I'm trotting on down to my local
adult novelty emporium and get me a 'Baby Jesus Butt Plug,' and a
'Jackhammer Jesus Dildo.' Then come this Sunday, I'm gonna put on my best,
get my girl, and go to church. Of course, I'll have that 'Baby Jesus Butt
Plug' stuck up my ass, and my girl will have her 'Jackhammer Jesus Dildo'
balls deep in her snatch. Then we're gonna praise Jesus with the rest of
You think ole jimmyd's fuckin' wit ya? You think this sounds like part of a
Tom Zupko/Extreme Associates video? No fucking way, homeys. I got my July
2002 AVN Supplement, and on Page 562 is the 'Baby Jesus Butt Plug' from
Divine Productions, Inc. Here's what AVN staffer Susie Ehrlich had to say
about this little novelty item:
"Jesus doesn't want me for a sunbeam, so I shoved Him up my ass. He's 4-1/2
inches high, an inch and a half in diameter, and he's made of silicone.
This very special butt plug features the likeness of Christ the Savior as a
young'un wrapped in blankets, with only His beatific face peeking out. His
legs form the base for a handy flange, keeping Him (and me) from sufering
the embarrassment of being hauled out of my colon by the emergency room
staff when I get carried away with my own kind of religious experience."
Whoa! I'll bet Susi's a fun girl to pray with.
And then a handful of pages later, we have Susie's take on the 'Jackhammer
Jesus Dildo,' which is your basic crucifixion molded in silicone in the
form of a dildo, and it's also from those whacky folks at Divine Products,
"If that irritating Jews for Jesus cult would just promise a
glow-in-the-dark silicone crucifix dildo to each new member, they might
actually attract a few people who aren't completely insane. Something for
the heretic who has everything."
Other dildos from Divine include: The Virgin Mary, The Diving Nun, Moses,
Ya know, I think these Divine people are on to something here, and I think
I'll give them a couple of suggestions to toss around. Here's my ideas for
some new religious sex novelties you guys can also manufacture and distribute:
'Buddha Butt Creme' - It comes in a variety of sexy Kama Sutra flavors like
passionfruit and chicken curry. 'Buddha Butt Creme' is an all-purpose anal
lube with just a hint of a topical pain killer added for those sensitive
assholes out there.
'Allah's Anal Probe' - This is the one item no Islamic couple should be
without, or any other religious couple for that matter. While it looks and
feels like most anal probes on the market, this one's different. It's made
of a new, spage-age alloy which allows it to be heated to very high, desert
temperatures and then that temperature is maintained in almost any
environment, even the inside of a colon. Simply heat up the 'Allah's Anal
Probe' in a microwave or a coventional oven, or hell, even in a campfire,
and then shove it up your loved one's ass. He or she will think they're
speaking with Allah Himself as they start shouting in tongues.
'I'm A Little Jew Boy Penis Extender' - Tired of going through life with
all that guilt because you've never gotten your woman off? Them days are
history, little jew boy. With your 'I'm A Little Jew Boy' penis extender
you'll add a fat 4 inches to your puny little Hebrew cock. And that's not
all, it's battery operated and vibrates at a fierce, passion-inducing rate.
You'll have your girl shouting 'Oye Vey' for more, as you plug her snatch
with this baby time and time again.
Well, that's all the ideas I'm giving away for free today. I hear Divine's
coming out with a children's line of religious sex toys begining with the
'Lil' Pedo Jesus' collection. That stuff oughta fly off the shelves! So if
anyone at Divine wants more of jimmyd's ideas, they're going to have cough
up some of them sacreligious bucks they're making.
Oh, as a little postscript, I might add that I wouldn't donate two cents to
defend this shit either. And I ain't even a religious guy.
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