[humor] Fwd: Win98's README.1ST

[Jean-Francois Avon]

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>Subject: Win98's README.1ST



Did you intend to upgrade to Win98?
If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page


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Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c),
the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating
system from Microsoft.

A) Before using your new software, please take the time to read these
instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the
limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant
technological improvement over Microsoft's previous operating
system, Windows 95 (c).
You'll notice immediately that
  * "98" is a higher number than "95,"
  * a better than 3 percent increase.
But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in
Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if
there are any of course).

Among the improvements: faster storing and
retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and
back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and
pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide, and rugged
weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important,
Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing
Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another
company's software again.

Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of
Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet browser. And
despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of
Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the
Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by
the world's largest and most trusted software producer, or by a
smaller company that will either go out of business or become part
of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft
Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the
"time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box
will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked
several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages
; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will
enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is
being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse
on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any
time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed
and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap
the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be
re-installed- permanently.

Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year
2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store
the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will
mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the
problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory,
you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the
year 10000.

However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits
has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal
calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single
day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by
two 15-day months called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the
time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few
minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our
customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the
information you provide, whether it's your Social Security number,
bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be
shared with any outside company not already designated as a
Microsoft DataShare partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free
as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any
problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline
and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every
day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working
perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded
to the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to
the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that
American consumers want software designed by companies that
are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).




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Jean-Francois Avon, B.Sc. Physics, Montreal, Canada
  DePompadour, Société d'Importation Ltée
     Limoges fine porcelain and french crystal
  JFA Technologies, R&D physicists & engineers
     Instrumentation & control, LabView programming
PGP keys: http://bs.mit.edu:8001/pks-toplev.html
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