Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

[semprini at theschool.com]

Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations

REDMOND, Wash. -- Oct. 21, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations 
made by the Department of Justice, Microsoft Corporation announced 
today it will be acquiring the Federal Government of the United States 
of America for an undisclosed sum. "It's actually a logical extension 
of our growth," said Microsoft chairman and CEO Bill Gates. "It's a 
positive arrangement for everyone."

Microsoft representatives held a briefing at the Oval Office with US
President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes 
to US Government policy will be "minimal." The United States will be 
managed as a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corp. An initial 
public offering is planned for July 4 of next year, and the Federal 
Government is expected to be profitable by 1999, according to 
Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, President Bill Clinton stated that he had
"willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a position as vice 
president of USA Operations with Microsoft, and will continue to 
manage the United States government, reporting directly to Microsoft 
chairman and CEO Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the 
mantle of executive authority, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a 
relief." He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record," and 
that US citizens should offer Gates their "full support and 
confidence."

In his new role at Microsoft, Clinton will reportedly be earning 
several times the $200,000 annually he currently earns as US 
president. Gates dismissed a rumor that the US Capitol be moved to 
Redmond as "silly," though he did say he would make executive 
decisions for the US government from his existing office at Microsoft 
headquarters.

Gates did say, however, that the US House and Senate would "of 
course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy," Gates said, "yet 
look how well we're doing." When asked if the rumored attendant 
acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates would only say that 
Microsoft doesn't comment on unannounced products.

Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United
States citizens will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in
government services, discounts on all Microsoft products, and the
immediate arrest of all executive officials of Sun Microsystems Inc. 
and Netscape Corp.

About Microsoft - Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the
worldwide leader in software for personal computers, and democratic
government. The company offers a wide range of products and services 
for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission 
of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of 
the full power of personal computing and mostly free society every 
day. 

About the United States - Founded in 1776, the United States of 
America is the most successful nation n the history of the world, and 
has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. 
Headquartered in Washington, DC, the United States is a wholly owned 
subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.

"The United States of America" and "Microsoft" are registered 
trademarks of Microsoft Corporation.