passing on a chuckle (fwd)

Ray Arachelian sunder at
Thu Aug 21 19:16:08 PDT 1997

Noah's Ark... If it happened today

   And the Lord spoke to Noah and said,  "In six months I'm going
to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the
evil people are destroyed.  But I want to save a few good people, and two
of every kind of living thing on the planet.  I am commanding you to build
An Ark."
   And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an
Ark. "Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the
  "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better
have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
  Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall.
  The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.
  And there was no Ark.
  "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
  "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best.  But there were
big problems.  First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark
construction project, and your plans didn't meet code.  So I had to hire
an engineer to re-draw the plans.  Then I got into a big fight over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
   "Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
  "Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was
a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.  I had to convince the
U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls.  But they
wouldn't let me catch any owls, So, no owls.
  "The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.  I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or hammer.  Now we have sixteen carpenters
going on the boat, and still no owls.

  "Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal
rights group.  They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
  "Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I
couldn't complete the Ark without filing and environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood.  They didn't take kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
  "Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed
new flood plain.  I sent them a globe.
  "Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how may Croatians I'm supposed to
hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid
paying taxes by leaving the country.  And I just got a notice from the state
about owing them some kind of use tax.  I really don't think I can finish the
Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
   The sky began to clear.  The sun began to shine.  A rainbow
arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
  "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked
  "No," said the Lord sadly.  "The government already has."

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