CIA unveils new ghetto drugs for '98

[Robert Hettinga]

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Resent-Date: Mon, 18 Aug 1997 09:31:56 -0400
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Subject: CIA unveils new ghetto drugs for '98
Date: Mon, 18 Aug 1997 09:32:41 -0400
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LANGLEY, VA -- After months of eager anticipation within the nation's
ghetto communities, the Central Intelligence Agency unveiled its 1998 line
of addictive drugs Monday.

"The wait is over," CIA Director George Tenet said at the festive drug
launch, simulcast on giant-screen TVs throughout Watts, Cabrini Green,
Newark, and other urban areas. "Inner-city Americans now have four
exciting new ways to narcotize themselves, with the quality of product
and wide distribution they've come to expect from the CIA."

Reaction to the new drugs (see sidebar) was overwhelmingly positive.
"They had a tough act to follow after crack," said New York-area Mafia
boss Alfonse DiBiasi, Tenet's close friend and former college roommate.
"But this new stuff is just as cheap and every bit as addictive. We're
all very excited."

President Clinton praised the CIA as well. "This is a win-win situation
for all Americans," he said. "Inner-city Americans will receive the
powerful drugs they love, and the CIA will raise the funds they can't get
from Congress to get their Jonestown mind-control experiment up and
running again."

The new drugs are supported by months of CIA testing to ensure maximum
potency and addictiveness. Focus groups, consisting primarily of homeless
men and street orphans culled from ghettos around the country, were housed
in an underground research facility beneath CIA headquarters in Langley,
VA. Only after six months of exhaustive experimentation on members of this
target demograph, who sampled hundreds of drugs, were the final decisions
made.

"Everybody loves me because I am so beautiful. Anything is possible. I am
going to live a very long and happy life," said Oakland, CA, native
Charles Simmons, who spent 10 weeks testing Blue Glass, the CIA's new
smokable euphoric drug. Simmons then leapt out a window to his death.

"I they I drugs these are very feel good right," said Dwayne Woodson of
Bronx, NY, another CIA test participant. "Pork chops three for $2.99."

CIA officials said that testing is necessary in order to avoid releasing
potentially dangerous substances into the ghettos.  "One initially
promising drug was later discontinued due to undesirable side effects,
such as increased intelligence and feelings of love for others," said Dr.
Harold Vandermeer, head of the CIA's narcotics development team.

Initial product rollout began this week in the ghetto neighborhoods of
Los Angeles, Detroit and New Orleans, with all residents receiving a
special drug-sampler pack in the mail, including a full-color,
English-Spanish promotional pamphlet and instructional videotape. If the
market response is as favorable as the CIA expects, the drugs should be
available in every ghetto in the nation as soon as September 1st.

"I thought I'd never say this," Tenet said, "but put down that crack pipe,
ghetto-dwellers: You're going to love these new drugs."

Tenet went on to state that none of the above events "ever happened" and
categorically denied any CIA connection with the new drugs.

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-----------------
Robert Hettinga (rah at shipwright.com), Philodox
e$, 44 Farquhar Street, Boston, MA 02131 USA
"... however it may deserve respect for its usefulness and antiquity,
[predicting the end of the world] has not been found agreeable to
experience." -- Edward Gibbon, 'Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'
The e$ Home Page: http://www.shipwright.com/