(fwd) Usenet, No Exit: A Theological Parable

[Bruce Baugh]

Path: nntp.teleport.com!psgrain!newsfeed.internetmci.com!in1.uu.net!CS.Arizona.EDU!news.Arizona.EDU!packrat.aml.arizona.edu!dsew
From: dsew at packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)
Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.misc,alt.culture.usenet,alt.usenet.kooks
Subject: Usenet, No Exit: A Theological Parable
Date: 15 Jan 1996 05:28:09 GMT
Organization: Department of Geosciences, University of Arizona
Lines: 116
Message-ID: <4dcol9$c4u at news.ccit.arizona.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: packrat.aml.arizona.edu
Summary: What if Boursy/Grubor/Slaton/Vulis went to Heaven...
Keywords: satire spam abuse
Xref: nntp.teleport.com news.admin.net-abuse.misc:35135 alt.culture.usenet:22509 alt.usenet.kooks:27121
Status: N

                        USENET, NO EXIT

                     A Theological Parable

Once upon a time, Stephen Boursy, John Grubor, Jeff Slaton, and Dimitri
Vulis were all travelling together on a bus--probably to "visit"
someone, but the story doesn't say.  While rounding a hairpin turn on a
treacherous mountain road, the bus suddenly skidded, broke through the
guardrail, and plunged two thousand feet, instantly killing everyone on
board.

Boursy, Grubor, Slaton, and Vulis awoke to find themselves floating on
soft clouds before a massive pearly gate, where an old man with
dazzling white robes and a long fleecy beard greeted them.  "I am St.
Peter," he said.  "Tell me who you are and what you have done with
your lives, to help me decide where you belong."

The four eyed each other nervously.  Finally Jeff Slaton stepped
forward.  "Saint Peter, I have aided millions of computer users by
championing free enterprise and protecting the Internet from the
forces of socialism and hypocritical elitism.  I would be honored
to offer my skills in the service of Heaven!"

Next Boursy gathered courage.  "I have fought evil outlaws who 
pretend to be other people in order to cancel their words!"  Nearly
elbowing him aside in his eagerness came Grubor: "St. Peter, I have
valiantly rid the Internet of pushers of hard drugs, and defended
the God-given American right of free speech!"  Last of all Vulis came
forward and flung out his chest as he said, "Like my mentor and
countryman Solzhenitsyn, I have exposed the wiles of evil stukachi
and the lying forger Pidor Vorobieff!"

St. Peter scratched his head and sighed.  "I'm afraid I'm not very up
to date on computers, but Raphael surfs the Net.  Please wait just
a moment."  Instantly there appeared a heroic archangel in shimmering
armor.  "What IS it, Peter?" he said.  "I *finally* found a moment to
install the ELF binaries on His Linux system..."  St. Peter pointed to
the four new arrivals, and began a whispered conference with the
archangel.  Finally St. Peter turned back to them, and with a wide
smile said, "We have chosen accommodations for you; Raphael will show
you to your quarters!"

Everything faded; and when the four could focus their eyes again, they
were with Raphael in a gleaming white room scented with incense and
adorned with precious gems.  A luxurious feather-bed stood against
each wall, and next to each one a gleaming Pentium computer.  "Here
you are," said Raphael.  "You've all got Windows 95 and Ethernet
connections, plus full access to the Web."

"What about Usenet?" asked Grubor, a mite suspiciously.

Raphael smiled indulgently.  "Would we offer an inferior product here?
We who know the secrets of your hearts have designed for you a news
network fit for eternity.  Ten thousand newsgroups, no article
cancellation, no charters, no FAQs, no vote-takers, no rules.  As
Augustine said, 'Love God, and post what thou wilt.'"

"Do you carry heaven.admin.policy?" asked Boursy.  "Yes, my child."
"Heaven.is and heaven.is.too?" asked Grubor.  "Of course."  "You mean
no cancelbots?" asked Slaton.  "Goodness, no, the idea!"  "Does 
heaven.culture.russian have a moderator?" asked Vulis.  "Who but
you, my dear Doctor?"

"You've all got shell accounts on otherworld.org," Raphael continued.
"Use trn to read news and Pnews to post.  Of course our version of
Pnews doesn't give you that silly scolding about how much money your
post is going to cost the entire Net."

The four rushed to their computers, and for some time nothing could be
heard but the clacking of keys against the faint background of harp
music.  At length all were silent, until Slaton shouted, "Gather
round, and let's see the fun!"  As the others crowded about his
terminal, he typed "trn", and tapped his fingers impatiently until a
prompt appeared:

   ======  4 unread articles in heaven.general -- read now? [+ynq]

"Hmm, that's kind of odd..." Slaton murmured as he hit the + key.
 
    a Sanctified Spam    1  No more A P O L O G I E S, Suu--eeeee!
    b Doctor of Theology 2  Chris Lewis needs an angelic visitor!
      Stephen Boursy        >Make that two angelic visitors!
    d Dr. Dimitri Vulis  1  First List of lying stukachi Seraphim

    (Mail) -- Select threads (date order) -- All [Z>] --

"WHAT??" the four cried, with one voice.  "Where's the rest of the
posts?  Where's everybody else??!!"

Raphael's eyes gleamed.  "Who said anything about anyone else?"

For the first time ever, Boursy had a clue.  "Where... just where 
ARE we, anyway?"

Raphael quickly strode to the door and turned as he passed through.
"You know what Sartre said.  L'Usenet, c'est les autres!  Enjoy
eternity!" And with that the door shut and the lock clicked with
an authoritative "sneck!".

And as the four rushed wild-eyed to their terminals to compose 
furious denunciations, eight eyes processed in horror the message
that appeared there:

      Broadcast Message from root at otherworld
             (/dev/tty1) at 00:00 ...
      
      System going down in 2 minutes, back up in a few aeons
      --Chris Lewis, SysAdm

                         *** ***
                         THE END

-- 
David Sewell  *  dsew at packrat.aml.arizona.edu  | "Seekers for gold dig much
Dep't of Geosciences, Univ. of Arizona         | earth, and find little gold."
 WWW: http://packrat.aml.arizona.edu/~dsew/    |           --Heraclitus


bruceab at teleport.com - <*> - http://www.teleport.com/~bruceab/index.html
List Manager, Christlib, where Christian & libertarian concerns hang out
Science fiction readers: Preview S.M. Stirling's DRAKON and WORD OF NIGHT
(the new Marid Audran novel by George Alec Effin ger) at my home page.
New PGP key on Web key servers; old keys are toast.