Press Release: Apple's CyberDog Web Bowser

[Timothy C. May]

*** PRESS RELEASE ***

APPLE COMPUTER UNLEASHES CYBERDOG WEB BOWSER

August 15, CUPERTINO. It may be the dog days of summer to some, but to
Apple, it's the season CyberDog (tm), its new Web bowser, goes into heat.
"CyberDog (tm) is the new dog in town," says Gil Ameliorate, the new leader
of the pack at Apple. "CyberDog (tm) should convince our skeptics that
Apple is not going to the dogs, except on our own terms. We have always
been committed to dogs, as demonstrated by our many Apple and Claris
products named after dogs, including Retriever, Pointer, Finder, and
Setter."

The CyberDog (tm) Bowser (tm) differs from conventional Web browsers by
offering several important features built in the Apple mode. Using the
OpenDog (tm) object-oriented parts system, Apple is delivering CyberDog
with WOOF, the Web OpenDog Object Filer. According to one developer who's
used OpenDog and WOOF, "I especially like the way it gets rid of DO loops
and replaces them with object-oriented DogDoo loops. It's really bitchin!"

The CyberDog (tm) Bowser (tm) offers several additional features, including
a security shell called DogPound (tm), a new speech synthesis system called
OpenDogBark (tm) and an improvement over Netscape's "cookies," which Apple
calls MilkBones (tm).

"We lift our legs and piss on Netscape and Microsoft," said Mr. Ameliorate.
"We are marking our territory with this release of CyberDog. For those who
are dog tired of Netscape and are suffering the lassietude of conventional
Web browsers, our new bowser will be the paws that refreshes."

Spokesdogs at Apple also confirm that Apple plans to directly compete with
Microsoft with an operating system product based on AMD's "K9" chip. The
product, known as "WinDog '97," will appear before Copeland, now delayed to
1999. "We think WinDog '97 will chase that other dog out of town."

Microsoft could not be reached for comment, but a Netscape spokesman said
"Netscape is the cat's meow. That Dog won't hunt. They're barking up the
wrong B-tree."

Those interested in taking CyberDog out for a walk, or just sniffing its
butt, can find further information at:
http://www.banana.com/~farce/OpenDogDoo/

CyberDog, OpenDog, Bowser, WOOF, DogPound, OpenDogBark, MilkBones, and
WinDog '97 are copyrighted terms of Apple Computer, a member of the NASDOG
stock exchange.

(Credit to my friend Paul Engel for coming up with the "bowser" pun which
inspired me to write this. He also was the first to comment while back that
AMD's "K6" clone chip ought to be called the "K9." The rest are mine. I
still use Macintoshes, so take this in the spirit of good fun. I do think,
though, that "CyberDog" is a really stupid name for a product.)