TLA Menu!

[Dave Del Torto]

Time to use your imagination, because...


It's the TLA Phone Menu!                       pair-o-dee by <ddt at lsd.com>


[   A french horn version of "The Lion King" fades in quickly, and a       ]
[   smarmy male voice reminiscent of that 415.777.FILM guy comes on...     ]


"Welcome to the Three Letter Agency's Help Line!

- If you're calling to report a threat to National Security, please press
  "1" now...
- If you're calling to threaten the life of the President of the United
  States, please have your manifesto ready to fax and press "2"...
- If you're calling to report a bomb that's been left somewhere at a TLA
  complex, please have your five-digit terrorist group identification code
  ready and press "3" now...
- If you're calling to report an imminent nuclear emergency within the
  territorial borders of the United States, please press "4" now...
- If you're calling to find out what "Squeamish Ossifrage" means,
  please press "5" now...
- If you're calling to inform on Phil Zimmermann, please press "6" now...
- If you're calling to report an Internet security problem that may affect
  our ability to packet-filter your local network, please press "7" now...
- If you're calling to donate money to Senator Exon's re-election campaign,
  please press "8" now...
- If you're a member of any State Militia or paramilitary group needing
  assistance with plans to overthrow a state government, please have your
  copy of the US Constitution ready and press "9" now...
- If you're submitting a new encryption algorithm challenge, please visit
  our website at http://www.tla.gov/cray-this, or press "0" now...
- If you're calling to report any unauthorized use of cryptography by
  pornographers, drug dealers, terrorists and/or religious cults, please
  press the "star" key now, or stay on the line, and a National Security
  Analyst will be with you in a moment..."

[   Naturally, we press the "star" key... a few mournful moments pass      ]
[   as, in the background, a valiant attempt is made by 40 melancholy      ]
[   strings and an antic saxophonist to produce a Musak rendition of       ]
[   Rockwell's "(I Always Feel Like) Somebody's Watching Me," when         ]
[   suddenly the Musak fades back...                                       ]

"...Thank you for your patience. All of our jack-(and jill!-) booted agents
are busy cracking other citizens' shopping-lists or reverse-tracing your
phone number at this time, but your call _is_ important to us, so please
remain on the line, and a National Security Analyst will be with you
momentarily..."