[ot][spam][crazy] Going Outdoors was: Describing One's Experiences As Abuse
it's 1947 and I'm standing outdoors. I talked with my therapist today. He asked me to change my email name. It's nice to be outdoors.
On Thu, May 12, 2022, 6:48 PM Undiscussed Horrific Abuse, One Victim of Many <gmkarl@gmail.com> wrote:
it's 1947 and I'm standing outdoors.
*1847.
I talked with my therapist today. He asked me to change my email name.
It's nice to be outdoors.
It's now 1848. I'm standing midway on the path between my shelter and my truck. It's harder to stay outdoors near my truck, but is what I'd like to engage. I'd like to get it drivable again, which starts with organizing and securing the back (for living in for travel).
I'll probably tend away from the truck, towards the shelter in the woods. It's nice to have aid.
I'm thinking of planning to find a laptop or such, to do some software dev near the shelter. Just considering this. 1851.
On Thu, May 12, 2022, 6:51 PM Undiscussed Horrific Abuse, One Victim of Many <gmkarl@gmail.com> wrote:
I'm thinking of planning to find a laptop or such, to do some software dev near the shelter. Just considering this.
1851.
I have some trash in my hand. Plastic. I thought I'd throw it out, but worried I wouldn't return. I'm thinking of making a wastebasket out of sticks.
1853 The wastebasket-out-of-sticks task hit one of my project inhibitions. An oversensitivity to a difficulty. I'm sitting a little farther on the path, and have only this sometimes-hard-to-charge phone as a device. It has 24% battery and the battery is old.
1854 Basically, to make an impromptu wastebasket out of sticks, one will need to experiment and encounter failure at least some, probably significantly, unless one has learned to do this already. I am not planning to do it in a way I have learned. Sticks in the woods have thickness, bendiness, etc. They can be combined into structures by weaving and bending them, but doing this takes care because they can break, depending on the kind of stick, the age, its dampness, its liveness, its size, etc.
1857 I'm now imagining making a wastebasket out of sticks by planting sticks vertically in the ground, then weaving bendy sticks in a circle around and through these. The reason for this plan is that it is less likely to encounter the failures where one's skills increase from struggle and learning. The failures can stimulate my inhibitions.
following day 2022-05-13 0249 ET I found a way to spend some more time indoors but sadly ended up sleeping indoors. I had a nightmare where local activists set off a grenade at a community event, like a farmer's market or something. The kind of activists who would support a farmer's market, not harm it. Nightmares like that are hard for me. It's been some time since I remember having one, usually I forget them. They're hard for me party because they build really strong fears and suspicions in me. Parts of me start thinking the activists or people like them could be violent terrorists, and I develop dislike and suspicion of them. Other parts of me start thinking that if I want to support local events, maybe grenades are related somehow. Both of these are very scary thoughts for me. The dream was really vivid, and after waking I imagined myself being harshly accused of being a terrorist, exerting violence at a community event. When I have such imaginings it is dangerous for me, because I can develop worse habits of self-punishment and self-harm. Mostly I just feel a lot of fear. Such is nightmares. My therapist had a piece of paper with my email address handwritten on it. At the end of the therapy, he ripped it up into pieces in front of me. This was hard for my value of preservation.
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Undiscussed Horrific Abuse, One Victim of Many