one cool thing about the second chapter of that cult book is how the author, just like me, had to struggle so hard to just read single lines of non-cult things they wanted to read. and then they learned to read pages. and to demonstrate comprehension of what was on the pages. and then they got a degree in psychology. i've been trying for some time to relearn to write code, but i'm thinking maybe i can go about it other ways, inspired by this story. i still want to try to do the random writes thing. i found an interesting step for me is to reorganize my audio dataformat to be more flexible. there are other approaches too. another thing, talking with my therapist, one thing he says is kinda like "so what if it is scary, so what if you have a psychotic break, so what if you perceive yourself as damaging your cognition?" and there are pros and cons to that idea, as i have experienced cognitive damage in my opinion, when i've pushed myself too hard to go against my grain, and i have various stories and patterns around that that i haven't found an ear for yet: but regarding pros, it opens up another space where one can try things from a place of increased potential for insanity. and if you know the things really well, and have gotten them really simple, then you can maybe do them without going insane in those more edgy spaces. just ideas, but i get the impression they might be near mainstream stuff. so i was thinking like: - practicing smaller parts of the work. just keeping at it. like in the book how the guy relearned to read. - studying computer science. algorithm theory, proofs. i never studied much of this cause i learned so young i didn't really need a degree. - trying to figure out patterns in the work that can help one engage it when more dissociated i.e. that just make it simpler basically, relearning it, as if one is an idiot and never knew it. i may be "an idiot" you never know for certain right [and may even demonstrate some things clearly]? and kind of finding ways maybe to sustain energy on it that somehow develops, in ways that work. the difference between me and what the author wrote is that i have psychotic breaks, dyskinesia, amnesia, etc etc when i focus hard on [things i want to focus on]. so i take it a little carefully and have coping strategies like posting to this list as a way to hold some.