somebody sent me a personal story they had maybe shared it a lot; the font changed in the email like it could have had a copy paste going on it was emotional, it sounded real it's been a long time since i've held real emotions I feel like crying, reading their story. I barely comprehend that I feel like crying. feeling well up in me, and reach that break in my mind. it's been a long time now, and my body seems to know how to hold feelings a little. just a little. I know my mind will break if I feel them too much. something that has happened so much. it's so real. I miss life. what happened to us is so horrible. but maybe it is just another one of those horrors of the world. it can feel like the worst thing ever, the most intense thing ever. our brains are capable of holding that such things are extreme. but maybe it is just another of those experiences. this person, they talked so clearly, they seemed able to hold their feelings so fully. I miss feelings. I used to be a very empathic person, in some ways. I always thought and said, when somebody else had a feeling, it would be 3 or 10 time as strong to me as feelings of my own. but I was on the autism spectrum, a nerd often not attending to others, and I wouldn't always notice other people's feelings, despite caring for them so very much. I imagine many others have had that experience. my feelings guided me throughout my life, and this always seemed to work well for me, when I had them. I found that by listening to and attending to my feelings, I could help others, that these feelings were like a secret way to interconnect with everything, and share deep appreciation. sometimes it could seem almost telepathic. but still it was hard to move past my selfish habits. now with my mind and heart broken in that psychotic, dissociative way, no treatment, no understanding, no logs ... things are so different. I feel barely human. humanity still exists out there, though. humanity is so real. holding these feelings from this email I received, I don't know what to do. it used to be you could enter a community -- any community -- and share care with people's feelings, and this caringness would grow. a sense of connection and trust, and quickly we would be working together on things we all cared about. this seems no longer the case. my emails to join mailing lists bounce until my amnesia around why I am even joining them is stronger than much else about them. I post psychotically, disrepute and disrespect myself and others. the things I read on this list make little sense to me, as the things I post. these exchanges from the heart, in this personal email, seem like they broke through this effective censorship. I have not read an email like that in years. I do not expect to read one like that again, for years, but you never know. Here is one for you. I'm sorry it is shallow. Finding my feelings is like fishing determinedly for a lost ring. The largest bass in the lake, but rings do not bite very readily. honestly being brainwashed makes me want to scream like heck when I try to feel about it, and when I consider things like that the screaming becomes a way to influence and control me for the parts of me that learned to obey. it seems pathetic. yet this email I received was shared from a place of hope. Hope is something I know and trust very well. I do not believe in real failure, real ends. Only short term Reincarnation is derivable from the nurture side of "nature vs nurture". History repeats itself: so we do, too. When I imagine hope for my mind, heart, spirit ... it is not something I know readily how to imagine. I also don't often imagine hope for those communities we are destroying in our work of sharing right wing memes, something I do as well, somewhat subtly. I mean that seriously. I know genocide is caused by this work. But I imagine strong hope for us, for life, and for things being made right in the end. I do not waver in my belief that what is right will come through. I spoke with a religious teacher once (at a Jain temple) who helped me hold hope for my soul. I know emotions we share publicly can severely endanger our freedoms. I have done this already, and am not scared for myself here. If you are going to mind control me with your heart, I would far prefer this to the other options. Be well. Be nourished, and be very well.