I’m experiencing influence to crash in my mother’s basement that is too large for me. I need to be able to conceive of visiting my mother _temporarily_. I need to be able to imagine doing other things than rushing to her, from moment to moment. To handle this I try to dissociate, and it can then strengthen further in its separate context when I do that, which can be more confusing. This stimulates me to plan to be places I cannot reach her to manage it, which is illogical. It needs to learn to take things more gently, caringly, and intelligently, when there is a conflict — like I would (or used to).
when i imagine visiting my mother (and note it is far too early in the day to do so appropriately, it’s significantly before sunrise), a state of mind develops that dissociates me so that i have difficulty leaving i imagine things to plan for them, so i do need my imagination to be similar to reality, and will use different ways to imagine things if that changes. i also need to be able to imagine visiting my mother briefly, without crashing on her couch and dissociating from my body, as in that state of mind i often don’t move for days and days.
i am experiencing heavy dissociation associated with a part of me trying to crash on my mother’s couch and behave grossly for inhumanely long. i related a little near this dissociation and was shown another part of me may be trying to stimulate horrifically torturous mind-shattering visions which are being hidden from me.
i do not need to visit my mother to handle horrible visions. if i am worreid about allergens in my car, i need a solution other than getting stuck laying down at my mother’s place, such as in a park many of us want to redevelop sleeping outdoors, and i have a sleeping bag with me :) maybe i could spasm outdoors.
my outer plan for today is to exercise then prepare for and attend an appointment i haven’t gotten up yet as the parts of me that leave a resting state are very very weak. i pursued looking at open source dash cams a little, for moving the morning spam thread to biosignals, or adding them to it. i encountered difficulty near doing this. when i websearch for things like this, it stimulates a part of me that appears to try to prevent the behavior.
thank you for the help with getting up :) to repeat more clearly, i encounter something trying to prevent this thing i want: websearching for open source dashcam software.
it looks like the prevention has a second thing defending parts of it from too much observation
responsive processes encountered issue [the thing fought back hard]. different focus.
that was a lot to share i infer. sorry, it just kind of means it makes sense to take it slowly, and i don’t always realize that.
i’m thinking a small simple thing could be moving [an influnce resists blockchaining messages. it is my goal
i’m thinking a small simple thing could be moving the morning spam behavior to a blockchain messaging system. these often use short messages. i’d like a cleartext one. i seem to, amidst tension, lose use of my senses, memory, and cognition, when pursuing it, so it can be hard to find.
the biggest reason for this is severe severe dissociative amnesia, with external world possibly involved
this can be circumnavigated by using the protocol directly. that’s one of the ressons people like things like it.
this is common for me: i’m experiencing another idea as influence to disrupt my activities and [consciousness], rather than building a new idea.
currently holding a derailment, was looking at unstoppable wallet. they made open libs for ios and android but not desktop. [meanwhile breadwallet from switzerland looks wrongfully-attacked-badly]
i was excited to spend a little time looking for a solid-looking bitcoin spv library. i did not find one. i suspect there is more chance they exist.
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Undescribed Horrific Abuse, One Victim & Survivor of Many