THE TRUE STORY OF BITCOIN by Totoshi Last Alleged Chapter --------------------------------------- [WAS: Alleged Last Chapter] [!WAS: eWe Know It Never *Really* Ends, Don't eWe?] [WAS!WAS: Crap, Looks Like This Is Going To Be A Long One...] To: "Trei, Peter" <ptrei@securitydynamics.com> Subject: Re: DoD orders vendors to use Key "Recovery" From: Alan Olsen <alan@clueserver.org> Date: Fri, 08 May 1998 20:49:52 -0700 Toto began counting on his fingers. "Twenty-two" said Bubba Rom DOS. "What?" Toto looked confused. "Twenty-two years since 1998," Adam Back confirmed, after checking his slide rule, adding, "and the Key Grabbers are saddled up again, and ready to ride." He shared the URL... https://www.onecitizenspeaking.com/2020/06/do-not-consider-government-access... Toto slipped into a telephone booth cleverly disguised as a service station restoom that really, really needed cleaning, and emerged wearing a tattered old SuperMan costume that had been modified to befit "!!! The World's Greatest Hacker !!!" as the emblem proudly proclaimed. Tim C. May shook his head and muttered, "Wishful thinking." Toto ignored the senile old fart and declared, "Being as how 'The Game' is once again 'A Foot' ( or 15 inches, if you are a True CypherPunk ) and I am in Stage 4 of Kidney Failure ( no sympathy, please, he is still drinking a half-bottle of Pepe Lopez Tequila every day ) and am unlikely to make it to the final (Jim) Bell, it is time to pass on my WGH legacy to others, that they may continue to fight the GooDog Battle. "I am about to reveal TheSecret that makes me The World's Greatest Hacker..." "But *first*..." --- Discussion on Bitcoin.com 12 comments Can Clues to Bitcoin’s Earliest Mysteries Be Found in a Cryopreserved Brain? Robyn Steele 2 years ago "Maybe Satoshi is Sara Lee. Her pies are in the frozen food section... --- Realizing that Toto was once again about to go off on a tangent and spew out an interminably long, semi-senseless sentence containing a diatribe of dualities... "Oh, crap!" Bubba realized, "Now I'm doing that myself." Dale Thorn's alter-ego, the irresistably unattractive soul-mate of Satoshi, Ataka Dawn, turned to everyone present, and cut to the chase. "Toto, along with a few select others, is The World's Greatest Hacker because he quite simply realizes that the InFallible Flaw in all computer systems and operating systems is: (Drum Roll..) IN ORDER TO COMMUNICATE, YOU HAVE TO *TELL* SOMEBODY SOMETHING!!! (...BadaBoomBadaBING!)" "Precisely!" Toto exclaimed, coming back to the discussion at hand. "I had a thousand ways of hacking into a system just because every time I tried to recreate my previous hacking successes, I turned out to be too stupid and scatterbrained to remember what I had done the *last* time. That's why I was forced to be a *genius* and figure out a *new* way to hack a system...every damn time!" "So the proof of your 'genius' is your 'stupidity.' came the cold, icy voice of Hal Funny. "Let me write that down, so I don't forget it. And btw, I didn't appreciate that 'Sara Lee' crack, you fucking AssHole." "Yeah," replied Toto, "I was going to explain that in a previous chapter when I talked about the 'thing' you know? The Intel stuff. The 'virus'...uh 'thing.'" Toto continued, trying to remember if he was running for the presidency or for the Senate. "I am *not* Joe Biden!" he suddenly shouted and then grew quietly contemplative. "I am not Toto," Eric Hughes broke in, "like most of you here in these insane diatribes, who are merly splinters of his seriously fractured Persona. So let me explain this from a perspective of someone who doesn't have their head halfway up TheAuthor's butt. "Software is *communication*...no matter what operating system or which hardware it is working with...nothing, I repeat, *nothing* gets done or accomplished without there being *communication* between software and software, software and hardware, hardware and hardware." "Attila T. Hun" he continued "noted that 'There is no safety this side of the grave' and he was talking both about life and about the whole myriad of cryptography and privacy discussions that took place on the CypherPunks Disturbed Male Lisp." Tim May recognized that Eric Hughes was beginning to 'drift' and picked up the discussion, in terms of hardware. "The 'virus thing' that Toto aka 'Uncle Joe' was referring to in regard to Intel was a hardware flaw that Meltdown and Spectre attacks took advantage of. It was indeed a matter of the different components of hardware needing to 'communicate' with one another and 'bad actors' managing to figure out how to listen in on and sometimes participate in those internal 'conversations'... "Attila T. Hun, aka Dr. Daniel Flickinger, became a *pioneer* in recording technology by taking a handful of disparate 'parts' designed to enable aircraft to fly and using their 'communications' abilities to speak to musicians and sound engineers in a totally new hardware language. "Attila," he continued, "recognized that there 'is no *true* safety' to be had in *any* technology because the very principles he was using to *broadcast* electronic technology to *everybody* were the same hardware principles that were being used to produce 'private' and 'secure' hardware and software communications within electronic devices and on the worldwide web." And May have added, "It's kind of like the Conga Drum Conundrum where you want to hide something where no one will think to look, but the minute you think of a place, it has been thought of, already..." Toto said, "Crap! That's where I put it..." and got up and walked over to his Conga Drum, turning it over and pulling out a cracked, dusty old Bong. John Gilmore broke in at this point and declared, "Any sufficiently developed technology is indistinguishable from magic!" Everyone present rolled their eyes. "Wait!" Gilmore, corrected himself, "That's not mine!" He thought for a second... "Oh yeah! The InterNet interprets censorship as damage and routes around it!" He was proud of himself for remembering who he was and what he had actually said. Damn, he was going to *win* that Senate race against Trump... Dr.Dimitri Vulis, spotting an opening to clarify Gilmore's train of thought while muddying the waters, jumped in... "John 'CockSucker' Gilmore is trying to point out that Hackers interpret Privacy as Damage and route around it!" "And the only thing it takes for a young man living in his parents' basement to become The World's Greatest Hacker is to overcome his inherent reluctance to stop and ask directions when he has become lost..." the Deranged Doctor's thought process trailed off into confusion. "Precisely!" added Toto, though he had little idea of what Vulis was talking about. " "Everyone in technology, in order to make a viable product that will work in conjunction with another product, has to engage in communication to do so. And thus a 'web of trust' is created...a web of 'trust' that can be 'broken'... Producing a 'crack' in the safety of both products. "Then engineers communicate with programmers, and vice versa, and with each other, and with other 'experts' in their industry and with publicists and reporters, creating a mountain of 'cracks' in the 'saftey' of their products...cracks and holes that need to be patched, and filled in, completely, in order to create 'safety' and 'privacy.'" "Then," Bubba Rom Dos interjected, much to everyone's dismay, realizing their imaginary safety bubble was about to burst, "after millions of dollars and hundreds of thousands of wo/man hours have been spent 'securing' your product and your systems to the best of your ability, you find out that your Head of Security has their Admin password written on a piece of tape on the bottom of their keyboard... "Now *you* all know everything you need to take on the role of The World's Greatest Hacker," Bubba told those assembled in TheAuthor's mind, "and you will need to take steps to use that knowledge to defend yourself from The World's Worst Hacker, who, incidentally, just left this gathering to go turn over the keyboard of your Head of Security." Everyone bolted for the door as a video flashed on a giant screen above them, showing BadBillyGates giving industry executives a tour of the Micro$not facilities while one of the younger guys on the tour turned over a keyboard behind BadBillyG and then appeared to be writing something down. Suddenly, a pair of Block Explorer addresses flashed on the screen. Toto pulled them up and turned to Totoshi, who was actually one and the same person, but they were both too far gone to realize it... "Two secretly coded deposits!" he exclaimed. One for 1.05987196 and one for .05987196. Now eWe will be recognized as the True One And Only Creator of BitCoin once everyone realizes that the transactions were sent from an original Satoshi account!" Bubba D'Shauneaux looked at the two urls and shook his head, sadly... https://etherscan.io/address/0x3c626ec0e0d2d6e9b066bf11af9e7154605373d1 https://etherscan.io/tx/0x5c720e17e007e46044ba225769fe0d01baf8a5803932fb1594... "Look again, moron." D'Shauneaux said. "You're not Satoshi...you're Vitalik Buterin...that is from the Ethereum blockchain." "Damn!" Toto cursed. "If I'm not Satoshi, I was at least hoping I might be Charlie Lee...but Vitalik Buterin?" As Toto turned his crestfallen face to the floor, Bubba D'Shauneaux winked at Totoshi, knowing that they had both recognized *all* of the addresses involved in the two transactions. One of the 'receiving' accounts belonged to former Federal Bureau of Prisons inmate # 05987-196. The 'sending' account for that transaction belonged to...a very well-known billionaire. The account that 'received' .05987196 ETH became, in the second transaction, the 'sending' account. It 'sent' 1.05987196 ETH to an account that belonged to...a very well-known billionaire. Totoshi's last missive had asked for a 'secret signal' to confirm who he really was. Turned out, he 'really was' a guy who got taken to the cleaners by a billionaire...to the tune of 1 ETH. Bubba Rom DOS poured two shots of 'Bubba's Special Reserve'...one for himself and one for Charlie Lee. "So tell me, Chuck..." Bubba said to Charlie Lee, watching closely for the slightest hint that would signify truth or deceit in his reply, "...how is it that Totoshi foretold your divesting yourself of all of your LiteCoin well before you actually did it and announced it to the world?" Bubba knocked back his shot of J.D. Special Reserve. "Ancient Chinese secret..." Charlie Lee replied. He knocked back his shot of Bubba's Special Reserve Jack Daniels. "Inscrutable MotherFucker..." Bubba mumbled into his beard as he poured two fresh shots into the empty glasses on the table. Bubba was sad to see The True Story Of BitCoin narratives come to an end, but a new InfoWar battle was brewing, at a crucial time for privacy, freedom, the InterNet, CryptoCurrency and...well, pretty much the future of everything. https://bitcoinmagazine.com/articles/julian-assanges-u-s-extradition-and-bit... "Few understood why Toto was really imprisoned." Bubba D'Shauneaux stated, sitting down at the table with Charlie Lee and Bubba Rom Dos, and setting down a third shot glass. "There is a reason that The True Story of the InterNet manuscripts have virtually disappeared from the WorldWideWeb. It was the concept of the Army of Dog / Army of One that struck fear into the heart of the government, just like the Falun Gong rattled the Chinese government." "Julian Assange." Charlie Lee opined. "Edward Snowden." Bubba Rom Dos addes. "Captain Timothy Buttons." Attila T. Hun suggested, from his place of Safety. "The True Story of the Army of Dog: The Rise and Fall of the Army of One" Bubba D'Shauneaux began typing the forward to Part IV of the True Story manuscripts. Those who had followed the progress from The Xenix ChainSaw Massacre through the WebWorld & the Mythical Circle of Eunuchs and InfoWars manuscripts had watched as what once had been viewed as entertaining, but ludicrous, had morphed into a part of our everyday reality. Timothy C. May was once regarded as a 'crackpot' for calling for a 'reset' of the 'hard drive' of our world society. Now it was being talked about in the halls of power. "Now, as Assange’s U.S. extradition battle intensifies, the internet is calling for the rise of cypherpunks ‚ Assange’s fellow “capable generous men,” who exercise their power for social good to unite once again and take up their moral duty. The future of the internet believes in Bitcoin, the potential of this “crypto with values” to become the currency of resistance to defend its freedom." https://www.facebook.com/JoeStrange709/posts/3114211461998722 --- Addendum To The True Story of BitCoin: Toto knocked back a shot of Pepe Lopez Tequila, knowing that Ver. 4.0 of Kidney failure had just become Ver. 4.01... But what the hell, he already felt guilty about all of the 'decent' people he had outlived. He had already done his part in the Great Battle and he really, really didn't want to go back to prison, but... "I can ask why 'somebody' isn't doing something, or I can *be* 'somebody'..." Toto said to himself, knocking back a shot of Pepe and upgrading to Vers. 4.02. Time to fire up the Dev.Null Server and put a call out to the troops. Them old InfoWars farts must have produced a few kids by now. Time for those Puppy Faced Pony Soldiers to start earning their allowance. Hell, maybe they might even help hiim win his Senate race... Prologue to 'WebWorld & The Mythical Circle of Eunuchs' The great tragedy of it, is that it didn't have to happen. Not at all...we were warned. And yet, still, it has come to this. I don't know why I feel this overwhelming compulsion to go on and on about it. I could have done something. We all could have done something. Perhaps the final epitaph on the gravestone of Freedom will be, "Why didn't somebody ‘do’ something?" That seems to be the common battle-cry of the legions of humanity that have been sucked into the vortex of the New World Order. None of the imprisoned seem to know that the very phrase itself is reflective of the source of their imprisonment...that this desperate cry of anguish is in no way an antidote for the terrible disease that has afflicted 'Liberty and Justice', and that it is, rather, merely the final symptom of the cursed blight itself. I can hear the rumbling of the trucks as they come up the street, and soon I will be hearing the thumping of the jackboots storming up the staircase, as I have heard them so many times before. But I suspect that this time, the sound will be different, that it will have an ethereal quality about it, one which conveys greater personal meaning than it did when I heard it on previous occasions. This time, they are coming for ‘me.’ My only hope is that I can find the strength of character somewhere inside myself to ask the question which lies at the heart of why there is a 'they' to come for me at all...why, in the end, it has finally come to this for me, as for countless others. The question is, in retrospect, as simple and basic as it is essential for any who still espouse the concepts of freedom and liberty to ask themselves upon finding themselves marveling at the outrageousness being perpetrated upon their neighbors by 'them'...by 'others'...by 'Friends of the Destroyer.' The question is: "Why didn't ‘I’ do something?"