having lost this draft means copying over again all the material i don't want to see. but there are positive aspects too. rewiring a floating requires first identifying the stimulus and may involve weeks of continuous work i don't like it. these experiences are full of rare information on cults. at least like videtape yourself while doing it or something. a common thing people say about thinking is that you can't "not" think about something -- that trying to avoid something causes thinking of it. you can actually not think of something, by focusing strongly on other things, especially very emotional things or even things so intense that your response to them is to forget or dissociate. you can learn to intentionally not think of, or forget, things, and this is pretty impactful. i think i shared that skill or something. author says the mind is like a muscle. can learn to do things it has unlearned. [also mentioned going through old documents to rebuild memories of self; again please don't force this on me when i am not ready. i have part of me that tries to mutate my memories to thoroughly hide my indoctrination experience, and this part of me is used to disrespecting who i really am.] this is really hard to stay sane for. i am not sure that publicly reading this book is the right approach, and i don't know what would keep it going privately. i'm having a lot of numbing and am sad about the memories and feelings that seem to be shrinking in me. one topic wasn't written. another here is the concept of number one priority of ex members ends up being rescuing friends who were in the group. barf, start by writing down your entire experience. what a way to have convulsions and amnesia and get a psychotic break. he does go through and describe it. i copied it over. i'll send this and get back to notes.