Last therapy I was stressed and out of it because I remembered being accused of hacking the wifi at an assisted living situation I was in. It was so painful to be at odds and in punishment with the people. I had given the access code to other residents, I think while employed by them.

I remembered today that situation likely escalated because I lied about it.

At the time, I was experiencing a flashback to my difficult situation that drove me crazy, where I was experiencing pressure to lie in exchange for being harmed less. It became very clear that lieing was the way to survive and be healthier, but this was completely new to me, and I didn't see how it was a good idea for anything.

When I had an opportunity to lie in my assisted living situation, I thought about what I had been through, and I lied. But it didn't work at all. It made things much worse.

In my difficult situation, I was at the very start of lieing. I was to lie about anything at all. Just random things. But I wouldn't. So when I had an opportunity to lie, I didn't take people believing it very seriously, or try very hard.

I guess I feel scared about that concept, for a handful of reasons. Mostly I don't want to develop a fear-based habit of forming plans involving unnecessary lieing.

I remember when suddenly my friends, people I knew, came around me and for a couple days saying things that made absolutely no sense nor truth, and laughing about it, just like how I laugh now when I write the horrible MCBoss stories that I plan to keep writing, I guess unless I can form better conscious inferences around human manipulation and my memories. No matter what I said to them, it seemed nothing rational would get exchanged.

Nowadays I lie all the time and I can barely control it. That's what email tags are for.