[warning: dangerous:] "The more you try to understand what I am saying, the less you will never be able to understand it. Do you understand?"
I thought a little bit about this and what seems really valuable is the idea that, when I consider parts of something, I seem to have a habit to judge what nearby parts are most useful to consider. It seems helpful to describe that judgement as tending to pick the product of the usefulness and the difficulty, and making decisions when emotional memory bounds are tighter. That is, maybe, my mind will pick the part that looks clearer and less difficult, when taxed. "You will never be able to understand", held alone, is clearer than "the less you will ... [something confusing involving the word "understand"]", and both have the same initial expectation of expressing difficulty understanding things. My mind seems to try to handle the confusion by relying on the presence of the illogical internal phrase that makes more sense when held alone. What's poignant internally here, is that this is a similarity with many other confusions I handle on a moment-to-moment basis, and brings up past trauma and things. When small concepts are triggering or incredibly confusing, the small parts of one's mind seem to try to find ways that consider them more easily, as a way to produce the result the consciousness is seeking. This seems to make dissociation, amnesia, topical confusion ... at least for me. Somewhere near here is probably a way to describe with more clarity the concept of "inhibition". But basically, resisting mind control seems terrifying for me. Very, very dangerous. This fear seems to guide most of my experience --- and actually cause many of the experiences that I find dangerous, nowadays, via my own behaviors. A great example is my attempt to store this idea in these notes. I broke my computer power supply, in the process of reaching this email client, and tried over and over again to fix it: but my hands kept breaking it again instead of fixing it, and then I would scatter the parts and couldn't seem to see them when I looked at them, after scattering them. So frustrating and confusing! But experiences like this, where something seems impossible from one's own patterns, and there is incredible confusion, are analogies to the internal experience of grappling with mind control ... they tell stories of why it develops, and how important it was and is ... CODA: this computer is charging now. Summary: emotional memory, paired with subconscious choices to consider things that are more useful when taxed, can produce experiences that seem exotically bizarre and terrifying, when for me they seem mostly ways to avoid flashbacks that stimulate more relevant terror. Note: maybe show this to a therapist, even one I don't trust, seems really helpful. Comment: i could use more time thinking about this without real-time challenge, so as to be prepared for questions and new ideas better.