—— - i was at a mental health facility with computers and there was a guy there (this guy was very friendly and kind and seemed to always have it together then one day while i was away he had disappeared when i got back and furniture and books and walls destroyed and damaged, somebody said he snapped or something and was taken away) who would use the computers to watch this video game called dota i had never heard of dota, and said we should mess with the computers to install it so we could play instead of just watching. he had no interest in this — he said he just watched, he didn’t play. the concept of esports was totally new to me. anyway, later, away from this facility, i often have states of mind where the bad half of me pressures me unimaginably hard in a way such that the most unproductive and useless and numbingly gratifying things i can do give me the most relief. the internal story is around doing things my harmer did not want me to do or trust were in his/its/their interests. so i some time looking for dota because if it was so popular that people were just watching it it seemed like an important part of modern culture and maybe a way to meet people online. i tried it a couple times over the years. i was horrible at it. i didn’t get it at all. then one year i was in a state of mind where i was focusing on developing new skills and strategies (since my old ones were litered with all sorts of triggers) and found some similar games on an ipad (dota doesn’t run on an ipad or i would have tried it again). total IP theft from the community (dota was a community mod). (the onboarding concept i found was being a healer class. usually games a little like this have an underpowered healer that restores health or such in some way and is often super frustrating to level unless you have a guild because the skills are for healing and the levels are from attacking. i used to always played healer characters in rpgs (without a guild), the best ones let you bring people back to life at high levels. i ended up playing this game for adolescents called uhhh i don’t remember. it had a great character named soraka who was like boss’s passive aggressive criticism of caring women, she would take damage so as to heal others. the system capped my level when it got high, it would just refuse to add more points whatever happened and others would level past me.) anyway this game had a character called “mundo” i think who was like a mad doctor who had been taken by one of his own experiments or something, similar to the hulk or frankenstein or some media i haven’t seen. all green, tall, a little heavy, muscley. the game made money by having the adolescents buy skins for their characters, and sometimes people would play with a skin for mundo where he was a business ceo. he dresses in a suit and holds an ipad showing a chart. he looks super professional. after a few seconds he scratches h8s head, turns the chart upside down, and keeps pondering it. that skin for mundo seems like boss in the mcboss webcomic, (which makes sense since i got that influence so strong it severely dissociated into a part of me) and i’m thinking of how mcboss, or mundo-the-ceo, is similar to a part of me. i do walk around feeling like that, and it feels like a stems from a part inside me that is acting like that. i wonder how one could engage mcboss-overtaken-by-biological-military-experiment, in such a way that he kind of calms, dehulks, gets more intelligent, actually notices what is around him, cares for other people, acts politely and respectfully, has fine motor skills, etc etc etc it seems like a nice possible theme, somehow the backstory seemed helpful