for casual readers unfamiliar with immediate situation, i did contact local police. i asked for help sorting out expereinces to report them to police. they referred me to therapist. therapist does not like talkinga bout anything to do with police ;p says other strange things, and behavior of memory is strange. got excited on topic of "wanting to kill people", wanted to really dive in, really weird. i said phrase trying to express intensity of experience of torturous coercion. expresses strong desire of being respectful but very strongly struggles to live that desire, very hard for him. e.g. has norm of interrupting me before i express point, does most of the talking. more recently he seems interested in talking about past instead of forgetting it, which was how he replied usually when i said want to talk about past thing with police. is hard for me, very hard, psychotic flashbacks.