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2023-08-20 0127

when i imagine knowing who influenced me harmfully

the bad part of me makes clumps of severe tension

that work to prevent the knowing

and attempt fervently to stimulate symptoms of functional neurologic disorder, dissociative disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and psychosis, such as aggressive muscle spasms, amnesia, torturous sensations visions or sounds, invasive thoughts and behaviors often associated with sabotage of my tasks, unawareness of what's around me, intense autonomic nervous system engagement, psychosomatic illnesses that can be severe, numbness, unintended and possibly extensive self-hypnosis to worsen the triggers, and other things. i also get intense urges to leave my environment.

it was easier to describe the experiences together when i thought of knowing who caused it in a certain manner. i think it might have been or is something that is somewhat clear it responds to.

for email list and therapists and doctors,

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a further mistake was found in typing. also: a big part of what it does is build habits to harm me, disrepute me, or torture me in incredibly demeaning manners, and it responds to communicating effectively about my experience too.