I came to coderman on the offtopic tor irc channel in the mid 2010s. He forwarded me here. I returned to the channel and it seemed to havenchanged, and people talked like they were involved in what was happening to me (“we are controlling you”). When I managed to return to that channel some years later, it had disappeared (“dumpster fire”) and I was muted when I tried to discuss things. I expect I am here because I don’t know what to do, it seemed like my last resource to sort things out. Coderman said he doesn’t remember the exchange. This is my whole life, and I don’t know what it is, but people near here did. Because of it I live in two parts, always battling not to harm others and myself. It’s similar to psychotic breaks but more dissociative, focused on my behavior and thoughts with conflicting reasons. It’s nice to be able to express a little in the spam posting after having been so strongly silenced, and it gives the other part ease to be spamming. It’s really helped me think occasionally. Honestly something wasn’t expecting PGP to be so hard, and I wasn’t expecting coderman to not remember this exchange. It was a gamble, and now I don’t know what to do.