ch 5 i'm somewhat concerned it's saying it will be describing in detail what it is like to be a cult member. this could make it a lot harder for me to distinguish between my experiences and what i read, since i'm mostly in an altered state of mind. it could also make it harder to convey or demonstrate to others that my experiences are real, since i could have gotten them from the book. planning on reading anyway. doctrine is reality i'm remembering when i seemed probed via social media for different influenceable patterns, weird beliefs. things responding to my 'likes' in rapid and frightening ways. how this normal system was involved seems similar to how normal people also seem involved, like the police officer who told me this person's organisation could not be contacted likely because they had "gone out of business" with according to them was apparent "because they were offering online services". it's hard to handle the lack of rationality in today's world, and i'm sure influential systems try to advantage by that. some day maybe i can tell whether that is what is up or not. the memory around doctrine of reality and possible probing expands toward the harshness of some of the social network influences that wouldn't respond to my filters or preferences; both automated and via other human beings, a few of whom i met physically. i suppose it's pretty hard to distinguish what was social network, what was physical, what was or is system compromise, and what was my own mind. 0_0 it seems like there's something i have amnesia around similar to the concept of 'doctrine is reality'. not my preference to read through this, but it is my plan. regarding confusing convolution of doctrines, and how that's a part of mind control in general, i'm thinking of the history of mkultra and how i heard it is very confusing, and refrained from reviewing it too much. maybe it isn't. - distrust the self; heavy pattern for me - good/evil thinking. it's funny and painful to never believe this. - deprogrammers and other aid workers as evil - devils taking on forms of friends - stories of huge conspiracies working to thwart the group valuable for me differentiate between mainstream modern issues, and my personal issues. - author traced back influences via studying phobias - disagree re the assumption that having resting agency with a community rather than the individual is inherently harmful, but makes sense here. difference here is that the alternative to individuality is conformity. - book referenced difficulty of cult members thinking for themselves / making their own decisions. i've always had that difficulty somewhat, but it wasn't impossible as if everything in me is fighting it, like it has become. i remembered the time a child pantomimed similar to an intense experience i had, my feet freezing. maybe they saw something similar in a cartoon on social media ;p - "need someone to tell them what to think, feel, and do". in my state of mind of remembering, i'm thinking how this can because it is so frightening what can happen when one does not think, feel, or do, what is expected. - cults he describes have very extended disruptive confusion to keep members kind of dreamy i guess. i guess we experience that too for example on this list, but i also think about the intense experiences of confusion and trauma that can really shift people in shorter terms. - cult members can strike people as weird because they have similar mannerisms - it seems like leader modeling coudl be similar to that experience where one adopts behaviors and affects different from anything one would ever do on their own, as if it is almost natural. - repeated word of "modelling". - in the author's cults, the models the cultists adopt represent the personality of the leader at the top. - all problems of group are emotional and personal responsibility of members - members associate happiness with cult alotment, and it can be given and taken. experiential similarity here. - sense of strong closeness tends to be fantasmal, with actual connection quite shallow - genetic competition norms in the cultures, "bad ancestors". - similarities to domestic abuse, "finding problems in the group and blaming members for them" - holds fear and guilt as both being larger manipulation influences. - emotional highs and lows. i suspect mine were more extreme than described here. - norm of treating objections or criticism with nonverbal negativity, possibly as if it is somehow harmful: 'given silent treatment or transferred to other area'. a lot of my jhabitual influences are similar to how i respond to if i say something and get silence in response. i also experience this a lot: i say things, and get no response. normal things. - emotional highs and lows proportional to activity - saw 'no way out' and remembered people not seeming to know how to leave the city. also remembered remembering trying to find post offices and at one of them the line being incredibly long and a woman saying to me "at least we're in the right place" and asking for my agreement - mutation of sense of memories. doesn't explain how this happens. obviously not my favorite concept. some day i will make my fleet of blockchain'd vlogs. - huge urgency around tasks being performed. experiential thing quite painful. maybe my sense of criticism and removal of the things i valued being crucial could have been in conflict with the crucialness of the moment-to-moment tasks i went through. - psychological prison, just something the author says wow this chapter is so short - moonies had symbolic death for people who leave :/ private concept for me i'm guessing. i'm not a cult ;p - "people who leave cults are extremely courageous". dunno if i left a cult but people need a lot more help than challenges of courage in my strong opinion. - author reminds: those who hide their involvement through shame, doubt, guilt, fear, or anger, are missing a valuable opportunity to help free others by the example of freeing themselves. <=