i managed to get up from a torture dream just now. the end of the dream a big guy who was hunting me had entered a bathroom where i was locked in to hide, as if we were now both locked in together, and he started pooping in me. he was so big this was easy for him. the pooping was very vivid, like one of those dreams where everything is super sharp. it made incredibly loud farting noises, with phase offsets between the ears like surround sound, farting and pooping falling around and over me. this was my whole experience during the nightmare. when it got that intense i realised it was another experience of severe humiliation while being crippled and blamed, and dissociated as i normally do. i chat with the dream as if somebody is torturing me. i try to imag8ne they are my friend, i believe this, i usually interpret the dreams as trying to discourage real-world behaviors, this interpretation is psychotic, but reflects past experiences of mine, the dreams can often express that i know wha5 it is about, to not play dumb. it’s really flashbacky. the torture experiences jn the dreams are really really severe, they’re diverse and go on for a long time, and will change themselves up to stay surprising. i am often physically maimed, forced to mutilate others, etc etc, for a long time in a way that sticks with me and echos intensely, all while having overarching feelings of me being worthless and having brought this on myself somehow. what’s hard to convey and realise is that these dreams alone would drive anybody insane. _these dreams alone would obviously break anybody’s mind_ i give a lot of reasons to explain being insane. i remind myself of difficult experiences in the past. but it’s hard to remember that it’s just obvious. - one of the things i noticed, feeling with my dream a little, and the dream didn’t want to share this, is that it’s hard to punish somebody without result. i was thinking of writing about a torturer in mcboss’s lair, who is tasked by a computer to break somebody’s legs more and more until they walk in circles all night. the idea is that they figure out to force themselves to walk even though their legs are broken, and that this traumatic experience shocks them so much that they immediately obey everything after it. the computer has found that this has worked reliably with other employees, and so the torturer is tasked with making it work with this one. but, this individual ‘s legs became broken so severely, they couldn’t walk no matter how hard they wanted to. unfortunately, the computer had no experience with that situation, and kept having the torturer break, mutilate, and stimulate pain in the legs of the employee, more and more and more, assuming that eventually they would comply and walk in circles all night, in whatever creative way they came up with. this was hard for the torturer, as well as the employee: and of course the employee lost their mind and died, but the torturer had to dissociate too. they stopped viscerally understanding that the torture had a reason, and just came to this person’s cubicle every day, to bust their legs up, for no reason at all.