DARPA to extend Futures Markets to Courts
WASHINGTON, 30 July The Pentagon has announced plans to offer the FutureMAP technology to courtrooms and their employees. "Court officers, judges, clerks, persecutors, and even bailiffs will be able to participate in the exciting technology of futures markets," gushed Rear Admiral and Arms Dealer John Poindexter. "Before a decision is reached, before even the jury has gone to the jury box, people will be able to make side bets on various outcomes, with odds set by the collective action of all. The betting and payoffs are done anonymously, so there are no pesky income tax issues to worry about," added Poindexter. Poindexter said that the information revealed by the futures market for legal decisions will also help guide judges to make the correct decisions. "I envision this as the ultimate computer technology for the legal profession." Said one judge in the Ninth Circuit, "As judges we are very poorly paid. How can we live on $160,000 a year? This system will allow us to earn a little bit of money on the side. My clerks are very excited, too. One of my rocket scientists has some ideas about how we can juice up the odds on a long shot decision, with some preliminary rulings, and then swoop in for the kill with the bets we have placed on the actual decision! Cayman Islands, here I come!" Rear Admiral Poindexter denounced critics of the system as Chicken Littles. "We have checks and balances in place. Don't forget, our office also operates the Total Information Awareness Program, so those microphones and DARPA-developed miniature cameras will really come in handy to check that nobody is abusing the system."
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Tim May