Condit Censured, To Be Flogged
WASHINGTON, D.C. July 17 (Reuters) - Rep. Gary Condit's popularity rating took another dip today when the U.S. House of Representatives voted to censure the errant Congressman and, in a surprise move, to have him publicly flogged next week at the George Washington Memorial Whipping Post in the Washington Mall. "We needed to send a message to the American people that we will no longer tolerate murderers in high public office in the United States. We hear what the American people is saying and we want to communicate in the clearest way possible that the Clinton Era is over." said House Majority Leader Dick Armey (R.). "Gary has been asking for this in so many different ways that I almost think he wants it. That is my only regret." Condit has not yet been convicted of murder, so the House acted under an obscure provision originally intended to keep minors out of the prison system. The Congressman will receive ten lashes from a trained employee of the Bureau of Prisons at high noon, July 23. After each stroke, one of the Ten Commandments will be read to, and then repeated by, Condit. Should any errors occur, the count will start again from the beginning. Government spokesmen were unsure whether the Commandments were to be read from the King James version of the Bible or in the original Hebrew. After the flogging, Condit will be confined to the public stocks for eight hours to be taunted by the crowd and pelted with rotten produce. "I don't like Mondays" was Condit's only comment on the sentence. The family of Chandra Levy, Condit's suspected victim, declined an invitation to VIP seating at the event. "We appreciate and empathize with the sentiment of the U.S. Congress in this matter, but we would prefer to see the process of law properly followed. Condit is being punished for being another lying Bible-thumping scumbag, but he should be tried and punished for his actual crime. We would like to know what happened to our daughter." said Levy's father. The Levy family has been critical of the handling of the case by the Washington, D.C. police who are widely seen as having treated it differently from others. A D.C. police spokesman has hotly denied that interpretation, stating "It is the standard practice of our department to delay searching the home of a prime murder suspect with political influence for two months and then try to pin the crime on some black guy, or possibly claim the victim killed him or herself. Nobody is receiving special treatment." Condit spokesmen maintain that Condit has been falsely accused and is the victim of mass hysteria. "It would be hard to murder any young attractive woman in this city without finding a squirrely Congressman somehow involved who would lie about his relationship with her." Civil libertarians have expressed concern that Condit's punishment erodes the division between Church and State, a treasured American tradition. The ACLU has proposed that the Bill of Rights be substituted for the Ten Commandments, but has declined to challenge the punishment in court. Said a spokesman, "We have defended Nazis, Klansmen, child molesters, and Communists, but Rep. Condit has sunk so low that not even the ACLU is willing to touch him no matter what the merits of the case." The ACLU is rumored to be considering a challenge on the grounds that it is "cruel" to permit the Congressman to keep his life. The Bill of Rights proposal received a cool reception on Capitol Hill amid suggestions that Condit is not the only Congressman who would benefit from learning its provisions in a like manner.
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