Strom Thurmond Drafts Bill Prohibiting Telegraph Porn http://www.theonion.com/onion3408/telegraphporn.html Strom Thurmond Drafts Bill Prohibiting Telegraph Porn WASHINGTON, DC--Contending that morse-coded descriptions of improperly petticoated young ladies are undermining the morals of American boys yet in short pants, U.S. Sen. Strom Thurmond (R-SC) proposed legislation Monday banning telegraph porn. "My friends, this revolutionary new 'Tele-graph' technology, by which messages are transmitted across vast distances via cable wire, is indeed a wondrous device," Thurmond told fellow members of the Senate. "But certain telegraphers--most corrupt and foul telegraphy men indeed--have debased Mr. Morse's code by using its ingenious dots and dashes to transmit porno-graphs describing flagrantly uncorseted womenfolk. I submit to you, gentlemen, that laws be passed to prevent the tele-graph device from becoming a machine of ill repute!" Thurmond's proposed legislation would establish stiff penalties for the transmission of certain obscene words and phrases along Western Union's telegram and telegraph wires, including "merry-widow," "bosom," and "underthings," as well as prohibit the use of the word "legs" instead of "limbs" when referring to the female anatomy. In certain contexts, the words"disheveled" and "heaving" would also be regarded as violations of the law, with perpetrators subject to fines of $50 or seven years hard labor on the proposed trans-American steam railroad. "As our nation recovers from the depredations and ruin of the recent War Of Northern Aggression, we must not permit the tele-graph to become the Devil's instrument," said Thurmond, 95. "Mr. Morse's messaging device must not be allowed to corrupt the hearts and minds of the Republic's youths!" [...more...]