Greenspan Farts, Market Tumbles NEW YORK (AP) -- American stock markets nose-dived today immediately after a press conference at the Federal Reserve Bank, when Alan Greenspan, Fed Chairman, passed gas in an audible expulsion of flatulence. Investors, spooked by the ominous noise, panicked. The Dow Jones industrial average lost 364 points in 20 minutes. Luckily for investors, the Fed Chief then uttered vague, ambiguous statements which could be interpreted as hints of an upcoming rate cut by the masses of illiterate investors. The market soared up more than 450 points, restoring confidence in a bullish market even in the face of the sensational Asian crisis. A key banking player from Merrill Lynch & Co., speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "That really stank. Greenspan must have eaten beans for breakfast." Other bankers at the press conference expressed similar misgivings about Greenspan breaking wind. "It sincerely disturbs me that this man's accidental passing of gas affects market performance in such a substantive way," said another banker. "Doesn't anyone believe that market behavior depends on more than this single man's intestinal fortitude?" Representatives at the Federal Reserve issued only a single statement, saying "Greenspan is in good spirits, and seems to be amused that majorities of investors give his flatulance this power. He is in good health, and his intestinal disturbance passed." The Dow index gained 90 points within 2 minutes of the release of the Fed statement. George Soros, billionaire hedge fund manager and global money market speculator, said regarding Greenspan's noxious vapors, "I don't give a damn what Alan ate for breakfast. This entire spectacle is ridiculous. If you or I farted, as everyone does, probably no one would notice. But for some insane, perhaps inane reason, nearly every American and many foreign investors dote on Greenspan's every comment and action, interpreting them as signs of apocalypse or a wealthy paradise, depending on their mood." In this exclusive report, a senior Fed official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "Perhaps I'm the only one in the world who sees rate cuts as a psychological panacea. A truly stable, substantive economy takes more than a slightly lower interest rate in an already flawed system of debt mechanics. We need to restructure the economy on solid grounds with long- term growth goals. The economy must not be structured only to increase the short-term profits of investors who are only interested in the bottom-line monetary numbers, but who do not care about the real effects their money has in our world." Fed officials declined further comment on the incident. Some financial analysts believe Greenspan's foul air is a clear sign the Fed will decide to cut interest rates at next week's strategy meeting. ----------------------- NOTE: In accordance with Title 17 U.S.D. section 107, this erroneous and humorous material is distributed without profit or payment to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving this information for purpose of laughs and giggles only. ----------------------- ________________________________________________________________ Mark Hedges hedges@infopeace.com www.infopeace.com "One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish a dictatorship." O'Brien from 1984, George Orwell ________________________________________________________________