Something amusing from alt.true-crime with definite crypto parallels to certain Swinestein and Freeh initiatives. It is rare to find material that rises to the Toto level of comedy on Usenet. ----- Newsgroups: alt.true-crime Subject: Kennedy Death Spurs Legislative Initiative Date: Fri, 02 Jan 1998 22:44:03 GMT Message-ID: <68jrg6$eil@dfw-ixnews6.ix.netcom.com> BOSTON, Mass. (AP) - Sen. Ted Kennedy announced here today that he will introduce a bill limiting access to skis and ski poles. The "Winter Sports Safety Bill" is believed to be a reaction to the recent death of the Senator's nephew Michael Kennedy in a skiing accident. "When skis were invented, they were made out of wood," Kennedy said. "Today's skis are simply to powerful and dangerous to be in the hands of people. There is no constitutional right to skiing. We feel that people will have to sacrifice some of their freedoms for the protection of society as a whole." One provision will license all dealers in skis. These licenses will involve fingerprinting, background checks, body cavity searches, and photographs of anybody wishing to be in the business of selling skis and ski poles. Another section of the bill bans any ski pole under 36" in length and any ski which is not at least 48" in length. The bill also addresses ski wax. Studies have shown that some waxes actually make the skis go faster, creating a greater danger of death to the skier. Skiers also use the faster skis to outrun the ski patrol, which is not an acceptable practice. A five day waiting period will be required for all ski and ski pole sales. People will be required to provide their social security number and floor plan of their homes before being permitted to purchase skis. "There are simply too many people getting excited about skiing. Easy access to skis is the major reason people get killed on those things. They should have to wait before they can pick up their skis. I am sure that this 'cooling off period' will save lives," Kennedy said. Another bill has been introduced that will ban 'ski carrying devices' on tops of cars that have a capacity of greater than ten skis. "There is simply no reason why anybody needs more than ten skis. You can't ski on more than two at the same time. People with more than ten skis are simply up to no good," said Kennedy. Statistics quoted by the Center for Disease Control show that skiing was second only to drowning as the leading cause of death for people close to the Kennedy family. OTHER RELATED STORIES: - Ted Kennedy Denies Driving Michael to Aspen. - Study Links Skiing to Suicides. - Clinton Calls for Restrictions on "Cop Killer" Ski Poles. - Washington DC to Buy Back Skis for $2 Each. - Dianne Feinstein Vows Defeat for the National Skiing Association. -- Eric Michael Cordian 0+ O:.T:.O:. Mathematical Munitions Division "Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law"