http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/11/the-things-he-carried/30... If I were a terrorist, and Ibm not, but if I were a terroristba frosty, tough-like-Chuck-Norris terrorist, say a C-title jihadist with Hezbollah or, more likely, a donkey-work operative with the Judean Peoplebs FrontbI would not do what I did in the bathroom of the MinneapolisbSt. Paul International Airport, which was to place myself in front of a sink in open view of the male American flying public and ostentatiously rip up a sheaf of counterfeit boarding passes that had been created for me by a frenetic and acerbic security expert named Bruce SchneiB-er. He had made these boarding passes in his sophisticated underground forgery works, which consists of a Sony Vaio laptop and an HP LaserJet printer, in order to prove that the Transportation Security Administration, which is meant to protect American aviation from al-Qaeda, represents an egregious waste of tax dollars, dollars that could otherwise be used to catch terrorists before they arrive at the MinneapolisbSt. Paul International Airport, by which time it is, generally speaking, too late. I could have ripped up these counterfeit boarding passes in the privacy of a toilet stall, but I chose not to, partly because this was the renowned Senator Larry Craig Memorial Wide-Stance Bathroom, and since the commencement of the Global War on Terror this particular bathroom has been patrolled by security officials trying to protect it from gay sex, and partly because I wanted to see whether my fellow passengers would report me to the TSA for acting suspiciously in a public bathroom. No one did, thus thwarting, yet again, my plans to get arrested, or at least be the recipient of a thorough sweating by the FBI, for dubious behavior in a large American airport. Suspicious that the measures put in place after the attacks of September 11 to prevent further such attacks are almost entirely for showbsecurity theater is the term of artbI have for some time now been testing, in modest ways, their effectiveness. Because the TSAbs security regimen seems to be mainly thing-basedbmost of its 44,500 airport officers are assigned to truffle through carry-on bags for things like guns, bombs, three-ounce tubes of anthrax, Crest toothpaste, nail clippers, Snapple, and so onbI focused my efforts on bringing bad things through security in many different airports, primarily my home airport, Washingtonbs Reagan National, the one situated approximately 17 feet from the Pentagon, but also in Los Angeles, New York, Miami, Chicago, and at the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton International Airport (which is where I came closest to arousing at least a modest level of suspicion, receiving a symbolic pat-downball frisks that avoid the sensitive regions are by definition symbolicband one question about the presence of a Leatherman Multi-Tool in my pocket; said Leatherman was confiscated and is now, I hope, living with the loving family of a TSA employee). And because I have a fair amount of experience reporting on terrorists, and because terrorist groups produce large quantities of branded knickknacks, Ibve amassed an inspiring collection of al-Qaeda T-shirts, Islamic Jihad flags, Hezbollah videotapes, and inflatable Yasir Arafat dolls (really). All these things Ibve carried with me through airports across the country. Ibve also carried, at various times: pocketknives, matches from hotels in Beirut and Peshawar, dust masks, lengths of rope, cigarette lighters, nail clippers, eight-ounce tubes of toothpaste (in my front pocket), bottles of Fiji Water (which is foreign), and, of course, box cutters. I was selected for secondary screening four timesbout of dozens of passages through security checkpointsbduring this extended experiment. At one screening, I was relieved of a pair of nail clippers; during another, a can of shaving cream. During one secondary inspection, at ObHare International Airport in Chicago, I was wearing under my shirt a spectacular, only-in-America device called a b Beerbelly,b a neoprene sling that holds a polyurethane bladder and drinking tube. The Beerbelly, designed originally to sneak alcoholbup to 80 ouncesbinto football games, can quite obviously be used to sneak up to 80 ounces of liquid through airport security. (The company that manufactures the Beerbelly also makes something called a b Winerack,b a bra that holds up to 25 ounces of booze and is recommended, according to the companybs Web site, for PTA meetings.) My Beerbelly, which fit comfortably over my beer belly, contained two cansb worth of Bud Light at the time of the inspection. It went undetected. The eight-ounce bottle of water in my carry-on bag, however, was seized by the federal government. On another occasion, at LaGuardia, in New York, the transportation-security officer in charge of my secondary screening emptied my carry-on bag of nearly everything it contained, including a yellow, three-foot-by-four-foot Hezbollah flag, purchased at a Hezbollah gift shop in south Lebanon. The flag features, as its charming main image, an upraised fist clutching an AK-47 automatic rifle. Atop the rifle is a line of Arabic writing that reads Then surely the party of God are they who will be triumphant. The officer took the flag and spread it out on the inspection table. She finished her inspection, gave me back my flag, and told me I could go. I said, b Thatbs a Hezbollah flag.b She said, b Uh-huh.b Not b Uh-huh, Ibve been trained to recognize the symbols of anti-American terror groups, but after careful inspection of your physical person, your behavior, and your last name, Ibve come to the conclusion that you are not a Bekaa Valleybtrained threat to the United States commercial aviation system,b but b Uh-huh, Ibm going on break, why are you talking to me?b ----- End forwarded message ----- -- Eugen* Leitl <a href="http://leitl.org">leitl</a> http://leitl.org ______________________________________________________________ ICBM: 48.07100, 11.36820 http://www.ativel.com http://postbiota.org 8B29F6BE: 099D 78BA 2FD3 B014 B08A 7779 75B0 2443 8B29 F6BE