~NOTE: If this article is digitally signed, then it is not guaranteed by the Electronic Forgery Foundation to be Genuine FUD. The Electronic Forgery Foundation, as a matter of policy, accepts no responsibility for digitally signed manuscripts which may actually be MainStream News Articles containing factually accurate and officially verifiable lies. Bienfait Nutly News "ANARCH IS OUR ONL HOPE" Christmas Special ***************** by King Author and the Dark&Stormy Knights of the Magic RoundTable [College Station Nudist Colony]IT WAS A STARK NAKED AND COLLEGE dormy night... [Prudential Annex, Alcatraz]JIM BELL STRUGGLED TO HOLD BACK THE small bead of sweat that was beginning to form on his brow as he feigned indifference while the Warden reviewed his application to form a prison swim team... [Oklahoma City]amADbOMBERtObEnAMEDlATER CREPT UNDER THE FENCE surrounding the former site of the Murrah Federal Building. As he placed the explosive charges at strategic points among the rubble, he couldn't shake the feeling that government spin- doctors were already preparing to issue a statement clarifying that BATF agents were absent from the site at the time of the explosion as a result of having moved to new offices, while the innocent children, air-lifted to the sight shortly before the tragic act of terrorism, were part of an educational tour that had been scheduled months previously. He shook off his fears, reminding himself that Louis Freeh, Janet Reno and Michael Fortier had planned everything down to the last detail... [Austin, Texas]THE BARMAID AT THE HEB CENTRAL MARKET CAFE WAS certain that she had seen all of those attending the alleged Austin CypherPunks Physical Meeting in a variety of local theatrical productions over the years. It didn't make sense. Why would someone hire a rag-tag group of actors to impersonate members of an anarchistic, crypto- privacy InterNet mailing list? And who was the strange character from the Bay Area who occassionally attended the meetings? She remembered seeing him at Stanford during the visit of the SexCriminal and his MainSqueeze to convince their daughter, Chelsea, that dating a man who was stalking her father with a Stihl chainsaw could have negative political reprecussions, and that she didn't need that fucking psycho's reassurances as to her sexuality, since daddy also thought she had a great ass, and was not just saying that because she was his daughter. Stanford wasn't the first time she had seen the Bay Area visitor to the CypherPunks meetings. She had also seen him leaving the Texas Book Depository in Dallas, shortly after... Anarchy is our only hope... Lone gunmen and unabombers are Dog's way of telling us, as we stare at a meaningless election ballot, that we could have had a V-8, pretending that we were drinking the blood of a single innocent child we had slaughtered in an act of random violence with an M-16, or in the bombing of TWA-800, or any one of a variety of mind-numbing reminders that we, as well as the cargo on our flight, are just numbers, that can be erased with the stroke of a pen, or a flash of light and a loud bang... Anarchy is our only hope... Face it, the System isn't working... We need to Democratize murder, once again putting it in the hands of the common people. People with wooden or stone clubs; people with Saturday Night Specials; people with knives in kitchen drawers, directly behind the freezer door that their fat, lazy spouse is staring into, wondering which gallon of ice-cream to eat first; people with access to both the drug-cabinet and the maternity ward, who realize that the solution to child-crime is stopping it at its very source... The process of natural selection, which decrees that only the strong AND lucky survive, has been derailed by social and government interference that leads to genocidal policies which mark our fellow humans for deletion on the basis of race, religious and/or ethnic background, political beliefs, ownership of land which has oil or mineral reserves underneath it, use and development of strong crypto, ad infinitum... It used to be that those with strong survival instincts, finding themselves short of funds, could beat up and/or murder a Jew, pulling out their gold fillings in order to make it to their next paycheck. Once government got involved, the average Joe and Jane couldn't hope to compete with the streamlined merger of thousands of ignorant thugs into a single giant bully. It was a step backward for the JesusKillers, as well, since they had a fighting chance against the more ignorant members of the light-skinned races, who didn't realize that it didn't really help for them to hide in dark alleys, as well as members of the dark-skinned races who couldn't resist smiling in the dark when a potential victim approached. Once ethnic discrimination was declared to be a function of government, there was no need for Official Thieves Thugs And Murderers to hide in dark alleys, since they could herd their victims into railway cattle-cars by use of official government brochures promoting Auschwitz as a Health Spa with state of the art shower systems guaranteeing not only hygenic cleansing, but also eugenic cleansing. Those who enquired as to the meaning of 'eugenic cleansing' were told that it would become clear upon their arrival... Anarchy is our only hope... A passage in a work by one of the true literary genius' of the InterNet (whose name I can't remember, but the work was titled, "InfoWar") pointed out a period during which violent crime was rapidly decreasing at the same time that public perception of the rate of violent crime was reaching an all-time high. A parallel poll, commissioned by the People Against Humanity division of the Synics Cociety, revealed that not a single person taking part in the other poll believed themself to be an ignorant, societally programmed moron, incapable of anything beyond sucking up whatever slop MainDream News Farces chose to throw into the public media troughs for consumption by those who believe that the High Cost Of Rational Thought is an unbearable burden that will leave them too poor to add the 24-Hour Drooling And Slobbering Channel to their cable package. Anthropologists specializing in the rise of civilized society have discovered that a solitary recluse living alone in the wild, will, upon drooling and slobbering on HimOrHerSelf, instinctively realize that, if they continue to do so, then the chance of their ever developing the ability to walk upright becomes radically diminished. At the same time, modern research indicates that if test subjects from current society are exposed to pictures of Michael Jordan drooling on his shoes, that manufacturers can add a hundred dollars to the price of their sneakers by adding artificial saliva-stains to them. Anarchy is our only hope... ************************************************************* WE ARE INTERRUPTING THIS PREVIOUSL SCHEDULED BROADCAST TO BEING OU AN IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH The Author, undoubtedly affected by solar flaring reflecting off of the early evening moon, suddenly realized why Leslie Stahl seemed so nervous during last night's '60 Minutes' piece on InterNet FUD, titled, 'The Rumor Mill.' It was not, as he originally suspected, Ms. Stahl psychically picking up on his efforts to peek up her skirt, and was, in fact, not the Scent of a Woman, but the Scent of Fear... Fear that Jane and Joe Sheeple, empowered by InterNet Search Engines capable of catering to their true desires, instead of attempting to mold their desires to fit the hidden agendas of Stahl's CBS controllers, might actually choose to access J. Orlin Grabbe's 'World's 50 Greatest Conspiracies' website, and compare his 'information' with the 'information' provided by '60 Minutes'. Fear that a generation of people who had grown up believing Walter Cronkite when he ended his news casts with "That's the way it is...", would suddenly begin wondering why Wally never told them that Jack Kennedy, their beloved President, was screwing the living shit out of Marilyn Monroe, ending his news cast by making a circle with the forefinger and thumb of his left hand, poking his right index finger back and forth through the circle, and saying, "That's the way it is..." Fear that Marilyn Manson, whining on Public Radio about 'The Rumor Mill' on the InterNet spreading 'lies' and 'disinformation' about HisOrHer tour, would be recognized by those paying attention as being strikingly similar to Ms. Stahl's whining on '60 Minutes' about the 'lies' and 'disinformation' being spread by people who had different beliefs about Reality and Truth than those that she held. Fear that vague hints about "Junk," "Regulation" and "Online Policemen" were not strong enough to truly get her point across, while indulging in violent screaming calling for hanging J. Orlin Grabbe by his hairy balls for disagreeing with her WorldView would only confirm viewer suspicions that she was in the same league, although on a different team, as Marilyn Manson, who believed that some kind of "censorship" was needed, to prevent the ChoirBoys at Ms. Stahl's church from spreading Christian Right lies about HisOrHer tour on the InterNet, while waiting their turn to insert their young, hard, throbbing cocks into a member of the congregation who was a regular correspondent on a major television news magazine show. Fear that the Author, currently working on the development of a forged Leslie Stahl's HomePage, had a 50-50 chance of correctly guessing whether or not she was wearing panties... ************************************************************** WE NOW RETURN OU TO THE REGULARL SCHEDULED BROADCAST ************************************************************** NO WE DONT... ************************************************************** Someone drinking Dirty Mothers wrote the stuff above, last night. Maybe it was me...maybe it wasn't...I woke up with a headache. Regardless, reading today's posts to the CypherPunks list, it soon became apparent that my clever ruse, pretending to be intellectually superior to the other list members, worked! The real purpose of my egoistical diatribe was to ferret out the list members not truly deserving of being on the same list as the rest of us, who are using 11% of our potential brainpower. I knew that the Pretenders to our elitist level of being, being insecure, insecure enough to avoid repeating repeating their words, would accuse *me* of being insecure. Sure enough, the Pretender was exposed, and now we *all* know that the Pretender on the list, whom we are all superior to, is... Nobody! In retrospect, we were fools not to realize it long ago. All of the signs were there... The self-effaceing alias, 'Nobody'. The inability to reflect a CypherPunks Consistent Net Persona. Always posting from different accounts: Juno, Replay, HugeCajones, CypherPunks, Dev.Null... The propensity for taking wildly varying stances on the same issue. Overcompensating for HisOrHer lack of self-worth by always demanding credit for HisOrHer posts, and never posting Anonymously... I was surprised that the rest of the list members never figured it out. I guess I'm smarter than the rest of you... ************************************************************** OK, *NOW* WE RETURN OU TO THE REGULARL SCHEDULED BROADCAST--*REALL*-I *MEAN* IT THIS TIME!!! ************************************************************** ACTUALL, I FORGOT WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT, SO I THINK I'LL JUST TR TO EXPLAIN A CONCEPT I WAS THINKING ABOUT ESTERDA, BUT NEGLECTED TO ADDRESS: ANARCH IS OUR ONL HOPE... ************************************************************** Uhhh... I hate to appear to be a fucking idiot, incapable of sustaining a logical train of thought, but I just reached the PointOfEnlightenment that comes around 4 a.m., when one is out of beer and beginning to sober up, and looks at the orange sitting on their desk and sees...an orange! Not the cosmically meaningful macrocosm/microcosm orange that seems to hold the key to the secrets of the universe when one is high on acid. Not the orange with a bit of green-stuff starting to show on its surface when you look at it at the end of another long, hard day at the Salt Mine, whereupon you chastise yourself for letting it go bad before eating it, because your tired, acheing bones remind you that you are living in a cold, hard world. No, it is the orange that both the pragmatist and the mystic see at 4 a.m., about an hour after the last beer is gone, and the liquor store doesn't open for another few hours. The *real* orange... Anyway, 'Anarchy Is Our Only Hope...' is one of those Deep Truths (TM) that are important to attempt to explain to the unenlightened, who quit doing acid in '72, and now have regular jobs. But, Fuck It (TM)! SPACE ALIENS HIDE M DRUGS!!! was always intended to be my autobiography, but somebody else started it (although I'm not complaining, because the FUD generated helped to cover my ass on the original TruthMonger SoftTarget Tour) and I think I have the right to be a little self-indulgent (like it's the first time...right!) and put off finishing the Bienfait Nutly News "ANARCH IS OUR ONL HOPE!" Chrismas Special for a day or so. So I think I'll sink into one of my undermedicated, ill- advised rants about my personal issues, history and problems which only remotely relate to the goals and purposes behind the creation of the CypherPunks list. Unless you have a lot of idle time on your hands, you might just want to go ahead and delete the next chapter of SAHMD, since it will undoubtedly be a semi-coherent, rambling diatribe with little relevance to your life and/or your interests. On the other hand, given my present state of mind, and the fact that I just found a warm beer in the back of my truck, the next chapter may well turn out to be one of those classic works of literature that can only be produced by someone who finds themself in the Desolate Place, an hour after they have finished the LastBeerInTheWholeWorld (like Job), and then is reborn, resurrected, refurbished by the discovery that, not only is there a God AND a Dog, but there is also another beer... Smoke 'em if you got 'em...