Re: Toto describing a visit from SS agents

I mention the alleged threats against the president in my article today, and link to the email. -Declan On Thu, 10 Sep 1998, Adam Back wrote:

Again while searching for keys, another encrypted message (Subject: Secret Service With A Smile - SAHMD!!! / Pwd: lco, Date: 31 Jul 98) this message appears to refer to a visit from US Secret Service agents, apparently due to their imputing some kind of threat to US president(?) in one of Toto's rants.

Decrypted copy below [1].

Adam

[1] ====================================================================== Secret Service With A Smile - SPACE ALIENS HIDE MY DRUGS!!! ___________________________________________________________

It was only natural for me to wonder what it was about the Secret Service Agents who visited me today that enabled them to act like decent, pleasant people during the course of the personal interview portion of their investigation into my life and psyche.

The question was answered, to my satisfaction, at the point when the more veteran of the two agents explained that, despite my rugged handsomeness and my delightful personality, they would have to CrushMeLikeABug if it became apparent to them that my already tentative physical and mental existence came into conflict with their official duty to protect the President of the United States. I realized that they were professionals, with a high degree of integrity, and that their concern probably went far beyond the fact that if the Nation lost the CommanderInChief on their shift, they could pretty much kiss their Christmas Bonus goodbye... It was also apparent that their ability to be quite reasonable and pleasant human beings--while making it plain that informing me that putting me away for observation in Springfield, Missouri, could easily take away a full year of my life, was *meant* to be a threat--without having to engage in a heavy-handed affectation of MachoAuthority, was the result of their actually *having* the authority to decide, here and now, whether or not my life would instantly become a living hell.

The Secret Service Agents were also extremely intelligent, not even blinking before passing on my offer to testify against myself, in return for immunity from prosecution. (When I made the same offer to RCMP OffalSlurs, they had to contact their superiors, who held a meeting with OffalSchills behind the closed doors of the Canadian Justice Apartment, before finally declining my offer.)

I was able to relax and be cooperative in dealing with the Agents, since, when your fate is in the hands of someone with GenuineAuthority, whether their intentions are GoodOrEvil (TM) is not nearly as important as to whether or not they happen to be StupidFucks (TM) who can ruin your life over something as simple as misunderstanding your request that they make their questions more 'lucid.' ("That's it, you sick, fucking pervert! Jim, get the kilo of heroin out of the trunk...")

Wrong Question #29 When Dealing With StupidFucks: "Excuse me, but do your employers *know* that you carry a gun? I mean, have they ever met you, or were you hired by mail? Can you actually shoot a gun without moving your lips?"

Although the Secret Service Agents were in possession of an email I had sent a few minutes or hours previously, from Pima College --> (who I immediately tried to Rat Out as the leader of a ChildSexRingDedicatedToTheViolentOver ThrowOfTheUSGovernment, in order to save my own skin), the agents seemed much more interested in a chapter of SAHMD!!! which contains notification of an OfficialDeathThreat to pretty much DoGodAndEverybodyOnTheFaceOfTheEarth. I tried to placate them by reaching over with a pen and adding an 'Un' in front of the word 'Official,' but they were not really impressed, informing me that the point they were trying to make had to do with it being unacceptable, from their point of view, for me to use the words 'Death,' 'Threat,' and 'President' all in the same paragraph, let alone all in the same sentence. {"Well, excuuusssee *me*!"} Realizing that it was probably not an opportune moment to try to hit them up for a donation toward the maintenance of my planned PresidentialDeathThreatAnonymousRemailer, I casually turned the donation jar so that they couldn't see the label, and I set it down.

Actually, I couldn't be certain that I had actually written the chapter, or portion thereof, with which the agents seemed most concerned, since I find it difficult to distinguish between the work that is mine alone, and the work that is a collage of various participants in the writing and dissemination of 'The True Story of the InterNet' manuscripts, if I don't have access to the files on the computer on which they were created and stored. Nonetheless, I refrained from pointing out that the phrase that indicates that the writer "might" conceivably "whack" someone or another GovernmentPersonage, might equally apply to the stance taken by the Secret Service Agents, themselves, if the Founding Fathers were to be believed when they indicated that it is the right and the duty of the citizenry to take up arms against their rulers, if need be, in the interest of Democracy, Freedom, Justice, or in DivineRetribution against the High&Mighty if they take a drink out of your beer while you're in the restroom, having a leak. (I'm not certain about that last example, but I have no doubt that the Founding Fathers *meant* to include that...)

I refrained from attempting to engage the Agents in philosophical debate in regard to some of the finer points surrounding the issues of Freedom of Speech, since the purpose of their visit was obviously geared toward impressing upon me the duties encompassed by their job description, their professional competence in doing their job, and the fact that the necessity of making a return visit would very likely be an indication that Uncle Sam was about to become my new landlord. To tell the truth, I was in a pretty scattered state of mind at the time of their visit, and I undoubtedly failed to adequately understand a good portion of the dialogue which took place, but they were very clear in explaining that, given my current state of unwelcomeness in Canada, I am running out of countries to go to, and that I should give serious consideration as to whether or not I wanted my next Literary Spamology to be titled, "Midnight Express II." Hhhmmm...decisions, decisions...

Since my reading of the Secret Service Agents is that they are highly ethical professionals, with little need to persecute an individual out of thin-skinned, personal vindictiveness, I guess it wouldn't hurt to mention that, minutes after their departure, Linda Lou arrived home, announcing that there was yet another Tarantula in the driveway, headed toward the house...

The obvious conclusion, of course, is that the Secret Service Agents are actually Reptilian Nazis, who are deeply involved in the WorldWidePlotAgainstMe. This, in turn, leads to the dilemma of whether or not I should, on the occasion of a return visit, jump them and drive wooden stakes through their hearts, turning them into quivering pools of smoking, green slime. (Or is that Vampires? Shit! I'd better check, first, or it could lead to a really embarassing situation.)

On the other hand, since they were quite civil and reasonable in their dealings with me, and they apparently didn't eat any of the dogs, while here (although it might have been a different story, if we had poodles), then perhaps their is a chance that we and the Reptilian Nazis can live together in peace...unless it is a SneakyTrick (TM), of course...and they are trying to *confuse* me, so that I don't warn TheOthers...and they were only so pleasant because they were inwardly laughing at me for not realizing that, starting tomorrow, they are going to take control of the whole face of the globe, turning all humans into LobotomizedSlaves who exist only to serve their ReptilianNaziMasters!

QUICK, EVERYBODY! ARM YOURSELVES AND RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!! PREPARE TO ENGAGE THE REPTILIAN NAZIS IN VIOLENT, BLOODY STRUGGLE! START BY WHACKING OUT THE LAWYERS, AND THEN...

Hold it! What the fuck am I ranting on about? The Masses are *already* LobotomizedSlaves who exist only to serve their ReptilianNaziMasters...

Maybe the agents were just here to see whether or not Baby is a poodle. That makes more sense, since the Reptilian Nazis don't really give a FatRat'sAss about the Jews, but they *do* want to round up all of the poodles shortly before the arrival of their Reptilian Nazi Relatives, so that there is plenty of barbeque at their PicnicToCelebrateTheConquestOfEarth. Yeah, that's gotta be it...

Actually, I'm rather glad that the Secret Service Agents dropped around to meet me in person, since people reading my copious literary effluvia sometimes mistakenly get the impression that I am some kind of Dogamned Weirdo, or something. Still, I wish I had been able to refrain from going, "Cuckoo-Cuckoo" on the hour and the half-hour during their vist. But, what the hell...I bet that a *lot* of the people they visit do that... ======================================================================