[Canadian Nutly News-Bienfait, Saskatchewan]CANADIAN CYPHERPUNKS LIVING in countries all around the world have seceded from the countries and societies surrounding their MeatSpace bodies and have formed Cult of One Republics based on freedom, privacy and the Dog-given right to piss on any source of heat that burns their ass... Inspired by the Nuclear Suitcase Full Of Dirty Shorts technology that was developed in a basement in Bienfait, Saskatchewan, by the Grand Pooh-Bah of Mongeritaville and activated recently at a hidden location near RCMP headquarters in nearby Estevan, the CypherPunks have been enlisting in increasing numbers in Army of Dog Private Guard units consisting solely of themselves. Bill Stewart, a naturalized Canadian CypherPunk, told reportwhores, while belching and patting his stomache, "I've got a powerful lot of gas backed up, and I'm not afraid to use it." Mercetan Mercantile, a Bienfait business buying bottles of bombmaking ingredients from a wide variety of chemical companies and hog farms around the world and reselling them to a specialized children's market, reports that the children they deal with are getting increasingly older as adults recognize the advantages of using revolutionary munitions that will allow them to be tried as children for their crimes. Members of the CypherPunks Disturbed Male List, famous for thier childish pissing contests, have long been suspected of using those pissing contests to distract attention from their development of secret StinkyEggFart technology and parallel technologies designed to raise a stink that can't be ignored. CypherPunk Jim Bell, living in a part of Canada south of Seattle, was instrumental in helping to promote the use of non-violent BadEgg technology to escalate the trend of Tyrannical Dictatorships (TM) toward violating the rights of its citizens to raise a stink and subjecting them to outrageously cruel and unusual punishment, as well as long periods of imprisonment for childish behavior. TruthMongrel, barking over a Sympatico InterNet connection that was raised from the dead by a Circle of Eunuchs member deep within the filthy bowels of the Canadian ISP, said, "Jim Bell is just a pawn in the game plan of the Forces of Light. Canadian CypherPunks have long been aware that he is a schill being run by a handler named Blanc Weber who has a hidden agenda of promoting a peaceful revolution." Attila T. Hun, hacking into TruthMongrel's Sympatico account, broke into his transmission to add, "Even Toto has been coming under the spell of Weber's goody-two-shoes virginal allure. He used to be a *real* man and a serious threat to the continued physical existence of Micro$not Mongul, Bad BillyC, and now he has turned into just another WinLoser95 user begging at the feet of his Redmond Puppet Masters, compromising his integrity by offering to only cut off three of BadBillyG's fingers in return for help making Micro$not's software work. "Next thing you know, he'll be offering just to slap BadBillyC around like a girl, in return for a free copy of WinLoser98." Blanc Weber, when reached for comment, dismissed Attila's claims, and grinningly told reportwhores, "That's ridiculous. Everyone in the Micro$not Memorial Branch Davidian Compound in Redmond knows that the MicroMaster likes to be *spanked*, not slapped." She added, with a wink, "There are rumors that the DOJ anti-trust action against Micro$not is just a business move by the MicroMaster to make his million dollar spankings by Janet Reno tax deductible." Tim C. May, a CypherPukes FartLoserForKing candidate, expressed disgust with the CypherPunks division into two camps, one advocating violent revolution and the other promoting biological development of a mutant strain of vegetable known to insiders as 'The Slime That Ate The Slime That Ate DC." "Fuck this shit...I'm going to NUKE something!" he shouted, pausing to add, "I just picked up a couple of items at the Dirty Shorts Munitions Show&Tell in Las Vegas which will guarantee that Slick Willy will never inhale again..."