PROLOGUE 6/0 -- SPACE ALIENS HIDE MY DRUGS ------------------------------------------ Wasting (Everyone) Away In Mongeritaville: A man with a gun came to my door recently, and demanded that I pony-up thirty dollars to members of his gang's protection racket. If I refuse to pay, he will be back with other armed thugs. If I resist them, they will kill me. Sure, when they drag me in front of one of the big bosses in their protection racket, I can try to talk them out of robbing and/or killing me, but it will inevitably end up with Frank Moretti telling Al Capone, "If we let this schmuck walk away without ponying-up, then how are we going to keep the others in line." In the end, I either pay up or die. It's all because of my dog... "Dog running at large." That's what the first threatening message from the Town of Bienfait said. "Voluntary fine." It also said that--with a veiled hint that if I refused to 'do the right thing', that I might find myself having a little 'trouble'. I had an uncle who found himself forced to deal with these kind of thugs when he had a small shop on the bad side of the tracks in a big city. Then he moved to the 'good side of town' and found out that the only difference was that the vigorish was higher, and the thugs were better dressed. It's the American Way (TM)... If you want to be robbed by a better class of thugs, then you can expect to pay a little more for being beaten with gold-knuckles, instead of brass-knuckles, if you're a little late on your payment. I'm A Funny Guy, Eh?: No, I'm serious... If I fail to pay the Town of Bienfait thirty dollars for allowing my dog, whom I have not had a single complaint about from any of my neighbors or fellow citizens, to experience the freedom that should be the birthright of every living creature, then those who rule over the land I currently live on (under the authority of armed enforcers), are willing to put me to death. They don't like to kill the goose that laid the golden egg, Jane or Joe Sheeple, so they prefer to start by placing them in bondage, kidnapping them, and holding them prisoner in small cages until they get the message that they are not to be fucked with. If you resist being kidnapped and imprisoned, they have no choice but to send more and better armed thugs to overcome your resistance, murdering you if you refuse to recognize and submit to their authority over you, no matter how unjust or uncivilized their decisions and their actions. My dog, Baby, doesn't speak Cherokee, so when the armed thugs approach, she just barks. She barks, "The Revolution Is NOW!" TownShip of MongerItaville -- Population - 1: I have self-incorporated (self-actualized, for you people living in New Age, California) the Township of MongerItaville, in my own mind, and voted myself the Grand Pooh-Bah(Humbug) of the domain it encompasses, which can be found by reaching behind myself and grabbing my ass. (Wherever I go, there I am...) I was elected unanimusly (not a typo), since in MongerItaville dogs can vote, but women can't. (Sorry, Baby, but I only had the Founding Fathers to use as a role-model...there weren't any Founding Mothers.) As the sole citizen and the head of government of MongerItaville, I had to make a decision as to whether it was better to attempt to reinvent the wheel, so to speak, by following the example of the founders of American democracy, or to take a more realistic approach and automatically grant myself all of the same powers as have been assumed by the current governmental and bureacratic representatives of the evolution of freedom and democracy. In the beginning, I decided to do both, no matter how schizophrenic the results, since it seemed obvious that anything less would be the equivalent of bending over for the soap in the shower at the Home For The Criminally Insane. I wrote a 'Realistic Bill of Rights' for the TownShip] of MongerItaville, including such gems as: ~A well-armed and well-lubricated milita being essential to the security of my butt-hole, my right to get stinking fucking drunk and 'Load and Lock' (or whatever) shall not be a bridge over troubled water. [Editor's Note: Realistically, the preceeding should read, "Load (Boom!--"Goddamn, I just blew my foot off!") and Lock."] ~My right to be secure in my person (especially in the rear part) and my electronic emmissions (internal and external) will be the responsibility of no one other than myself (and possibly Phil Zimmerman and Matt Blaze). ~I will not discriminate against anyone on the basis of age, race, sex, sexual orientation, or breed. (Although I reserve the right to call any living entity 'old fart', 'nigger', 'slut', 'faggot', or 'mutt', if they--start a sentence with, "Kids nowdays...'--give me soap, instead of crack, for my twenty dollars--fuck all of my friends and everyone in my band--drop the soap in the shower-- jump into bed before me and take the good pillow.) Hey! Those Aren't Amendments! Those Are Justifications!: I decided on only two amendments. One to my physical constitution--a double-shot of Jim Beam, and one to my intellectual Constitution--I'm the government, and I can do anything I fucking want..." I suppose that the latter amendment may no be politically correct in a Berkeley kind of society, but at least it is consistent with the recognition of my right to life, liberty, and pursuit of cynicism. I May Be A Stupid Fuck, But At Least I'm Not A Stupid Fuck: Anyone who thinks I am overreacting reads the daily news with their blinders on... Remember the old broad in New England whose family decided she had to be imprisoned against her will in a looney bin for observation ("We just want to ask you a few questions...") because she had put up with society's bullshit long enough to have earned the right to be 'eccentric'. (That's what you're called if your filthy fucking rich and let your toenails grow so long that they curl up like a ram's horns.) Would the armed thugs pretending to 'serve and protect' have been using rubber bullets if there was no press present? (Can you say 'Ruby Ridge'? Sure you can...) What if the grandmother busted for helping a stranger avoid paying vigorish to the armed thugs by plugging parking meters had told the thugs, "Fuck you! You assholes are crazy and out of control. I refuse to be subject to the insanity of your armed rule over every detail of the citizen's life."? She would be one dead cunt... What's Good For The Gander Is Good For Those Getting Goosed: Am I overreacting? I am being muscled by thugs that will murder me over thirty dollars, just to maintain their control over the Sheeple that they rule. Any way you want to cut it, you cannot deny that you know this is true. Do you understand? Do you understand that these people are willing to murder a compound full of people holding 'eccentric' religious beliefs--men, women and children--justifying their actions on the grounds of what they later admit are lies? Do you understand that instead of admitting to their criminal actions, they will make criminals of the survivors, placing them in prisons designed to reinforce upon the citizenry that even their children will be slaughtered if they are so bold as to say, "The King has no clothes." I Know You Can Read...But Can You Understand?: Can you pick up a paper without reading about some atrocity being perpetrated on individuals and groups of citizens by the armed thugs in power? [Tuscon Nutly News--MILITARY ANALYSTS REPORT THAT IN the last three years, 42,384,672 senior and general Army officers were accused of offenses including child molestation and adultery--and not one was prosecuted. Each was allowed simply to retire. Sgt. Maj. Gene C. McKinney, however, not being an officer, faces 55 years in prison for lechery, as a result of being accused of an act of foreplay that occured during consensual sex with a woman not his wife. Sgt. Maj. McKinney, when reached for comment by the Left Nutly News, said, "I should have 'accidentally' killed her after sex. Under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, negligent homicide only carries a maximum sentence of *three* years." Joseph Finder, author of the novel "High Crimes," told Nutly News reportwhores, in response to allegations that the Nutly News was misquoting his article and inflating the numbers involved for shock effect, said, "I write for the mainstream media. I'm supposed to pretend that murdering a hundred innocent children makes someone more of a monster than murdering a single innocent child, especially if the murderer voted to give my publisher a huge tax-break for requiring his staff to make certain that the child was born naked, and thus was obviously involved in some sort of child-pornography ring." When asked for comment, a Pentagon spin-liar told Nutly News reportwhores, "It's called the Uniform Code of Military Justice because we look at what kind of uniform they are wearing, and then decide what kind of justice they are going to get."] Can you pick up a newspaper without reading about some totally clueless dickwad--who is licensed to carry a gun, shoot any citizen on the slightest whim, and then lie about it in court under cover of a neatly-pressed uniform and shiny badge--performing some outrageous act that an ordinary citizen would be lynched for? [Tucson Nutly News--WHEN THE POLICE OFFICER WHO PLAYS THE role of McGruff, the police dog (Take a bite out of crime) was unavailable, a fellow police monger called upon the services of an inmate incarcerated for child molestation to fill in as McGruff, in a school classroom containing one of the child rapist's victims. Although the voice of Charles Darwin could be heard calling out from the grave, "Put a bullet in this ignorant Pig's head, before he breeds.", the citizenry merely turned to the weather section of the paper, to see if the weekend would be nice enough for them to take their children to the park, where the same ignorant piece-of-shit police officer would be in charge of 'serving' the children up to convicted child-molesters, and 'protecting' himself from suffering the consequences of his incompetence by making sure that his union dues were paid up. When asked for comment, McGruff, the police dog, told this reportwhore, "The regular guy's not back yet...do you have any children...do you have any pictures of them naked?" In the 'Real Sports' section of the same newspaper, the ClueServer Sports Wire reported the results of the True Justice Championship Game as: Child Molesters - 1, Children - 0.] Lucky Strike, Lucky Green -- by Defcon McCullagh Chainsaw [Time We Found The Path--FOR THE FIRST TIME IN DIGITALLY recorded history, the voice of the netizens has triumphed over the paid political spin-doctoring of the mainstream media. In a startling development with global consequences, the recent actions taking place in a Cult of One community in Southern Saskatchewan, the TownShip of MongerItaville, have been embraced by citizens around the globe in light of the information reported by independent observers relaying a wide variety of details via the InterNet and the World-Wide-Web, rather from the standard government hand-outs provided to the mainstream media reportwhores gathered around the free drinks and snacks left over from Desert Storm. TruthMonger, the Grand Pooh-Bah(Humbug) of the physico-virtual nation of MongerItaville, launched a surprise First Strike against the dangerous armed thugs who had threatened his physico-virtual existence over the paltry sum of thirty dollars. TruthMonger told this reportwhore, "John Lennon called me the 'Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse' because I used to say, 'Throw them all in the laundry bag, and let the maid sort them out.' I know that this statement doesn't make any sense, but, believe it or not, this is one of my *good* days." Cult of One analysts from around the globe agree that the straw-dog that broke Joe Camel's back was provided by a post to the CypherPunks mailing list by Lucky Green and his secret lover, Anna R. Christ. "We finally understand what 'The Xenix Chainsaw Massacre' was all about. "It was about an individual whose brain had been destroyed from too many electroshock treatments and years of drug abuse, finally taking a stand and deciding to do what was right, even though he had no idea what that meant. "It was about people who heard the voice barfing in the wilderness, which told them that it was OK to tell the fruitcakes wearing crystals around their necks to go fuck themselves, and kick their ass if they didn't give them back the five hundred bucks they paid to take a seminar which was nothing more than 'The Power of Positive Thinking' with a Barnum & Bailey/New Age spin-doctoring tacked on to rook Spiritually Correct Rubes. "It was about learning to follow your own wisdom, your own conscience, and give the guru whose ass you just kicked a few dollars to cover the cost of the hot-dog provided by the Sufi vendor at the back of the seminar hall, who delivered on his promise to '...make you one with everything.' "It was about ninety pages long..." Jean Chretien, the former Prime Minister of Canada, the country brought down by the Cult of One seperatist movement inspired by the seige at MongerItaville, said, "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of they time, but...hey, we kept the citizens believing, for a hundred years, that Louis Riel acted alone..." When contacted by this reportwhore, God, the Supreme Creator of the Universe, said that, due to the Cult Of One phenomena currently sweeping over the face of the earth, due to everyone now having their own web site, "Now I, like Dog, speak only for myself..." This is Defcon McCullagh Chainsaw, going with the flow and mediating on the Zen koan, "Is this a new spin on the revolution, or vice-versa?"] Am I Being Silly Again?: Sure...so what's your point?