Comedy On Tap Daily Newsletter For Tuesday, January 23, 2001 A one hundred and four-year-old Russian woman has grown new teeth. Maria Vasilieva is delighted that she will at last be able to enjoy her favorite ginger cookies... ... One word: "Chernobl" Finally! We sobered up enough to scan in the pictures from the 'N Sync / Comedy On Tap / SportsHollywood / party at The Sundance Film Festival. Look and laugh: http://www.sportshollywood.com/sundance.html WHAT? New-style underwire bras are sending washing-machine repair workers crazy. Bra wires have become the biggest cause of blockages or damage to washing machines in Britain, electrical repairs group Curry's Coverplan said... ... Meanwhile, customer numbers are sagging... ... On the bright side the lint in the machines is now more shapely and voluptuous... ... Phones and computers can do it, when will bras finally develop wireless technology...? ENTERTAINMENT Regis Philbin finally has a new partner. "All My Children" actress Kelly Ripa was introduced Monday as Philbin's co-host on the syndicated talk show... ... Big deal -- she'd get paid more if she just appeared as a contestant on his other show... ... She's working hard to lose enough talent to take over for Kathie Lee Gifford... ... Can Kelly find happiness with Regis? Will the conniving Erica Kane spoil Kelly's talk show debut? Or will Kelly miss Pine Valley and go back to the handsome Mateo Santos? Tune in tomorrow and find out... POLITICS Former President Clinton and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton will reimburse Democratic fundraiser Denise Rich and others who showered them with gifts in their final year in the White House... ... "We did nothing wrong - and we're giving everything back..." SURF REPORT Yeah, but she's REALLY smart: http://www.comedyontap.com/features/tasteless.htm DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, IN JAIL OR PREGNANT After 11 years of marriage, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman said Monday that they are separating because their work is keeping them apart... ... So they need some time apart from not seeing each other...? IT'S WEIRD! In Barnstable, Massachusetts, high schoolers are checking their cafeteria food a lot more closely after one student found part of a thumb in her turkey sandwich. Apparently one of the cafeteria workers severed the top of her thumb in a slicer... ... And from now on, they're only serving finger food... ... You don't want to know what they found in the butt steak... ON FEBRUARY 6th... In 1971, Alan Shepard hit a golf ball on the Moon using a 6-iron. The U.S. Apollo IV astronauts prepared to head back to Earth after a 33-hour stay on the moon. ... You know you're bad when your ball doesn't even carry in zero gravity... ... Somehow "that's one small wedge for a man, one giant three wood for mankind" just didn't sound as catchy. TASTELESS In Elmont, New York, a man walked into a gas station with a toilet plunger stuffed under his coat, intending to rob the place. Pretending that the plunger was a gun, he demanded money, but the attendant said no. He then turned and ran, dropping the plunger on his way out... ... I bet the New York cops will figure out what to do with that plunger when they catch him... FINALLY... Things my girlfriend says: Go ahead and leave the seat up. Hey, get a whiff of that one. This diamond is way too big. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow. Wow, it really is 14 inches! Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend. I love it when you finger me while you drive. Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer. I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it. Oh yeah,... *any* hole you want!!! ... That's why she's my girlfriend! --------------------------------------------------------- Forward Comedy On Tap's "FINALLY" to a friend! (please) Not already a Subscriber??? Go to: http://www.comedyontap.com/daily/index.html - OR - Subscribe NOW! Send a blank e-mail to mailto:OnTap.12@add.postmastergeneral.com --------------------------------------------------------- "Merrill Lynch is issuing three new bonds. The Monica, which has no maturity; the Gore, which has no interest; the Clinton, which has no principal." -- New York Post gossip columnist Cindy Adams <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> * To remove yourself from this mailing list, point your browser to: http://inbound.postmastergeneral.com/remove?OnTap:12 * Enter your email address (cypherpunks@toad.com) in the field provided and click "Unsubscribe". The mailing list ID is "OnTap:12". OR... * Forward a copy of this message to OnTap.12@lists.postmastergeneral.com with the word remove in the subject line. mailto:OnTap.12@lists.postmastergeneral.com?subject=remove This message was sent to address cypherpunks@toad.com X-PMG-Recipient: cypherpunks@toad.com <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>>