CLOSET STATISTICS DON'T LIE *Statistics International reports that since gays have come out of the closet, snap counts in football have increased an average of 40% in length (up to 70% when either the center or quarterback is named 'Bruce'.) This figure increases astronomically in College football, in cases where the center is a freshman and the quarterback is a senior who is a member of NAMBLA. (North American Man-Boy Love Association) HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY BOOTSRAPS...??? *Recent revelations revolving 'round revisionist recorrections indicate that Horatio Alger died in poverty after the S&L where his funds were deposited collapsed, the head of his pension fund was indicted, his former employer could no longer afford to support his 'lifetime' health insurance benefits, and Chelsea Clinton robbed him to buy crack cocaine as part of her homework for a Stanford 'History of Ebonics' class. IT'S A TOUGH WAY TO MAKE A LIVING *NEWS OF THE WEIRD, a nationally syndicated newspaper column founded in 1988, and distributed by Universal Press Syndicate has finally run its course, and will be discontinued in the near future. A disappointed Chuck Shepherd told reporters, "I could see that the end was coming when President Reagan's statement that 'trees cause more pollution than automobiles' became mainstream news." Shepherd went on to say, "I can no longer compete with the regular news when citizens are getting toilet plungers stuck up their ass every day, parabolically speaking. I've heard that Clinton, Reno and Freeh are now a serious threat to the comedy industry, as well. Who is going to be foolish enough to pay for our products when they can get material of greater quality and quantity free on C-Span and the front page of the Washington Post?" AUTHENTICITY: All news stories mentioned in News of the Normal are just shit we make up (or occasionally, get from supermarket tabloids in other countries or other disreputable magazines and journals). No so-called reputable news source, and no story that was not intended to spread FUD (Fear, Uncertainty and Disinformation) is ever the source of a News of the Normal story. News of the Normal is not copyrighted by anyone who would admit to it in public.