[CANADIAN NUTLY NEWS-Bienfait, Saskatchewan]AN ASSORTMENT OF POLITCAL criminals from Washington, DC, held a press conference at the Coaldust Saloon last night, with the main topic of discussion being the gangland battles between rival Christian cults. Bill Clinton expressed dismay over secret intelligence reports that not only were the Christian gangs widely dispersed throughout the school system, but that there was evidence of involvement by many teachers and school administrators, as well. "Many of these cults have beliefs very similar to the Heaven's Gate cult, with their members involved in preparing to participate in an exiting of the physical plane in a similar manner, and the eventual overthrow of democratic government in all countries, led by their currently exiled guerilla leader." Lying Jackoff Fuck Louis J. Freeh stated that more crimes are committed in America by followers of the Christian cults than even the large number committed by people with Italian names. "The problem is enormous." Freeh stated. "Many of the children are committed to these gangs by their parents, almost from birth. It is not surprising that the kids seldom manage to escape the grip of these cults, even as adults." Murdering Nazi Cunt Janet Reno stated that BATF agents had informed her that Christian cult members throughout the U.S. were in possession of more weapons than members of the paramilitary. "The real threat of having weapons in these people's hands is that, like most paramilitary members, they don't regard the Federal government as being the supreme authority." Anonymous sources at the scene of the recent cult slaughter at a high school in Kentucky confirmed that several copies of a popular cult manifesto were found in the homes of both the shooter and the dead participants in the bizarre ritual. The manifesto, which is vastly more subversive and violent than books such as "The Turner Diaries," is often referred to by cult members in oblique coded-language as simply, "The Book." Bar maids and local drunks at the Coaldust Saloon denied the rumors that the book, known as the Word of God to most cult followers, was actually one of the early manuscripts of the author of 'The True Story of the InterNet,' and that 'God' was nothing more than a thinly veiled anagram for 'Dog', representing one of the author's many nefarious aliases. However, A Sorry Drunk To Be Named Later informed gathered reportwhores that if Christian cult members around the world sent their tithes, in cash, to PO Box 281, Bienfait, Saskatchewan, that they would be assured a space on the spaceship approaching earth in the shadow of comet Khrist-Bop-Shoo-Bop. (When pressed for details as to the time of arrival of the mythical space aliens worshipped by the cult, A Sorry Drunk To Be Named Later merely winked and said, "Let's just say that cult members will be swept up into another dimension on the same day as their computers.") Canadian Nutly News sources confirmed earlier today that the shooter in the ritual slaughter at the high school in Kentucky was wearing a T-shirt with a radical cult slogan often used to whip cult members into a violent frenzy, "He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of Dog." ~sog~