Article 185 of alt.humor.best-of-usenet: From: tjbryce@unix.amherst.edu (Tom Bryce) Newsgroups: talk.politics.crypto Subject: Escrow Officer Trading Cards Escrow Officer Trading Cards I noticed I'm a little behind on the cryptographic Newspeak being promoted by the clipper chip people when I recently read some information on key escrow posted to the net, that is, in article <CrK9At.E7z@ulysses.homer.att.com> by Steven Bellovin <smb@research.att.com>. He mentions that he asked some questions of "people on the committee" which seemed to imply they were on the inside of the clipper thing, and their answers seemed pretty authoritative. I noticed a heck of a lot of Shit In Capital Letters that seems to imply Everyone Should Know What the Fuck This Is and that This Shit Will Be A Permanent Part Of Our Future Vocabularies. Words like Unique Keys, Key Components, Escrow Officer, Escrow Agent, Family Key and Escrowed Encrytion Standard. It all sounded so OFFICIAL. It also mentioned that a hell of a lot of shit about these chips they just wouldn't tell us because it was CLASSIFIED INFORMATION. Stuff like how to generate psuedo-random numbers for cryptographic purposes. Now I thought shit like this was pretty commonly known anyway, but I suppose as it's time for us all to up and FORGET this shit 'cuz the government tell us it's TOP SECRET and we don't really know it anyway. As part of our mental reorganization, it seems we are going to have to rig up an Escrow Officer category in our minds and Capitalize Escrow Officer Every Time We Write This Fucking Word because Escrow Officers Will Be Very Important People like the President of the United States and the Secretary General of the United Nations. Just like the friendly police officer or religious leader or boy scout leader or army general or so on of the past, I predict Escrow Officers will be the big heroes and public leaders of the future. They will burn the midnight oil thinking of ways to protect our secret keys from enemy intrusion, as well as protect us from Terrorists, Drug Dealers, Pedophiles, Communists, Right-wingers, Leftists, and all other kind of folk who seek to trample on the flag of the U.S.A. They will be the sentinels keeping watch over our secret keys in the night. All information about us - our birthdays, height, weight, last visit to the doctor, last porno magazine purchased on a credit card, sexual orientation, jobs we applied for in the past, HIV status, debts we are late in paying, all this secret information will be guarded by these silent and sure men and women - dare I say God-like sentinels? If Escrow Officers will become a big part of our future lives, I'd like to be one of the first to capitalize on this phenomenon. I will soon introduce Escrow Officer Trading Cards, so we can all have fun trading pictures of our favorite Escrow Officers and perhaps even following in the fashion trends they promote. Children can also learn at a young age who the men and women are who will be protecting their secret information for the rest of their lives. On the front should be a photograph of the Escrow Officer. The Escrow Officer should be shown smiling broadly, perhaps while embracing or holding a small child or baby. The Escrow Officer will be wearing a conservative but comfortable-looking suit, to convey that the Escrow Officer is a Real Important Person but also Down To Earth and Friendly. Behind the Escrow Officer should be bookshelves with impressive titles clearly readable by the Escrow Officer Trading Card Owner. Good titles would include math books with real real complicated sounding titles, Profiles of Courage by John F. Kennedy (another Real Important, Real Smart, just plain Real Great Heroic Dude), legal books with Real Complicated Sounding Titles, ominous sounding books from the FBI and CIA and other Real Tough Sounding American Organizations on things like International Terrorist Operations and Their Impact on the Crazy World We Will Leave Our Children and Babies Tomorrow, and things like that. Books by Richard Nixon should be absent from the bookshelves. On the back will be the Escrow Officer's Name, Address, Phone Number, Social Security Number, Sexual Orientation, Blood Type, Name Of Last Three Sexual Contacts, Best Friend's Name, and so on. (Hey, who the fuck needs privacy anyway? The Escrow Officers should set an example for all of us. After all, why would they need to hide these things anyway? Unless they're doing something they're not supposed to be doing! Like having gay sex in some states of America, and things like that.) (PSST. Top secret: It won't be their real phone number and stuff anyway. After all, who would know any better. And we can even hire some actors to pose for the picture instead of the Escrow Officer since it will give a more accurate impression of what Escrow Officers are supposed to represent. Some real Good-Looking Actors and Actresses who fit the current cultural norms of beauty and handsomeness and power. Then, since we might not have enough black and other minority Escrow Officers, we can hire some minority actors to pose for the pictures. Then we could even change the names of all the Escrow Officers on the Cards to names that sound more impressive and trustworthy.) Then we can have a Fun Facts section under the personal information. For example, we could have a picture of the Escrow Officer smiling while holding the Official Random Number Generation Keyboard used for a production run of Clipper Chips. It will describe the make of the keyboard, color, and so on, and might even mention some Fun Facts like the fact that the Escrow Officer likes to stick Gumby or Snoopy stickers onto the side of the keyboard, and even generated the numbers without using the left half of the keyboard one day when she poured her morning coffee onto the left half of the keyboard because she was up late the night before catching up on the latest newsbriefs on the International Traffic in Crack-Addicted Pedophile Terrorists. (We won't mention that she was also reading about how to stop tax evasion once and for all with electronic money encrypted by Escrowed Keys, since everyone cheats on their taxes anyway and it would scare the shit out of everyone and eliminate support for the Official Key Escrow Standard. We need to pretend it's only these fucking ridiculous categories of Super Duper Arch Enemies we're after.) Another Fun Fact section might involve a picture of an Escrow Officer whose dedication and hard work helped catch a Super Duper Evil Communist who was actively advocating the violent overthrow of the Government of the United States of America. The Escrow Officers can be shown bonking the Communist over the head with the Official Random Number Generating Keyboard, while another escrow agent slaps a pair of handcuffs on the Communist. Then the fun fact section can mention the Humorous Incident that took place when the photograph was being taken. Of course, the photograph is only a simulation, and the Communist will be an actor, though the Escrow Officers might be real. The Fun Facts section will mention how everyone had a Real Good Laugh after the picture taking session was over and they were about to uncuff the communist when... THE ESCROW OFFICERS FORGOT WHERE THEY PUT THE KEY! From then on, they were subjected to good- natured ribbing every time they got to the office in the morning. In fact, a few months later one of the Escrow Officers came to work in the morning and found two of his desk drawers locked together with a chain and combination lock. A post-it note attached to his desk said SORRY BUT I FORGOT THE COMBINATION! While everyone was roaring at the Silly Prank, the quick-witted Escrow Officer got his other Escrow Officer buddy to give him his half of the Key Component to operate the Decrypt Processor and they busted the Secret Key of the lock company and got the lock off without any extra help. That way, people will know what Silly Pranksters our Escrow Officers are. Ever diligent in protecting our privacy, but still one of the guys. Perhaps the following quip can be ascribed to the Escrow Officer in a cartoon-style bubble coming out of his mouth: "Hey guys, sure I'm into encryption and all, but really, I'm just a fella!!" His buddies will be slapping their knees and ribbing each other at his tales of Escrow Officer Pranks and buying each other drinks. Anyway, this is about all I've formulated so far of the Trading Card Plan. If anyone cares to invest in my plan (and has access to Government Restricted Encryption Technology) please send me contact information encrypted on the following key. -- Postings to alt.humor.best-of-usenet reflect what the submittor considers to be the best in usenet humor, and the poster is responsible for the content. The moderator removes duplicates, copyrighted material, posts without headers, but does not drop articles based on content. See the group charter for more info. Sigs may be truncated. Moderator address: best@cc.ysu.edu -- Eileen Tronolone | internet: eileen@photon.poly.edu | Just Another Ozric System Administrator | usenet: redsonja@olias.linet.org | Tentacle Of The Polytechnic University| voice: (718) 260-3846 | Medusa On The Brooklyn, NY 11201 | Self possession is 9/10 of the law| Infobahn Of Love??