[Bienfait Nutly News:] A GRAND JURY CONVENING DURING HAPPY HOUR at the CoalDust Saloon took to heart the Arkansas Govenor's statement that, "We need to lay the blame for the Jonesboro tragedy squarely at the feet of the culture that breeds this kind of response in a child." The Grand Jury forebroad noted that the child perpetrators had neither been to Hollywood, nor to any art gallerys funded by the National Foundation for the Arts against the wishes of various 'Family Values' coalitions. "It's pretty clear that these murderous young monsters are an end result of the cultural influences they were exposed to in the course of being brought up in the community of Jonesboro. Accordingly we have returned an unasked- for verdict of 'guilty' against the citizens of that community, and have indicted two others who we feel acted as co-conspirators in this tragedy." The Grand Jury released two beer-stained items of evidence that they had used in their drunken deliberations: * "Road Rage" gets the attention, but more rages are coming into prominence: Pre-pay Rage, Albuquerque, N.Mex., January (a man wanted to pump his gas before he paid; fired several gunshots into the clerk's car). Late-Fee Rage, McLean, Va., January (former State Dept. lawyer was not allowed to rent a movie until he settled an old late fee; ran down the store owner with his car, knocking him through the window of a nearby restaurant). Rain Rage, Los Angeles, February (as two men passed in the rain, their umbrellas accidentally touched; one man then aimed his umbrella at the other's face and thrust the tip through his eye, piercing his brain, sending him to the hospital in critical condition). ~WEIRDNUZ.526 (News of the Weird, March 6, 1998) by Chuck Shepherd * According to a September federal indictment in Des Moines, Iowa, Kenneth Ray Bruner (who is the stepson of a Pentacostal minister in Oklahoma City) led his seven accomplices in prayer three weeks earlier, asking for God's protection just before they set out to knock off Hermans Fine Jewelry. Bruner acknowledged, according to the indictment, "that they were going to do bad things but that they were not bad people." No one was hurt in the robbery, and everyone was behind bars by the following day. ~WEIRDNUZ.526 (News of the Weird, March 6, 1998) by Chuck Shepherd "If these were aberrations," the forebroad slurred, wiping drool off the corner of her chin and slapping the hand of President Clinton, who had passed out in the bar the evening before and stayed over for the trial, "that would be one thing, but these examples are just the tip of the iceberg." "It has been obvious for quite some time that both society and Christianity are way out of control, and there is no telling how much greater the damage they cause would be if these two entities were able to operate without the calming influence of gun-bearing paramilitarists, who can only be pushed so far before they begin to push back, themselves." The Grand Jury's released statement went fairly easy on the parents of the child warriors, pointing out that, from the moment of their birth, they became the SSN-registered property of the government, with the majority of their upbringing being controled by the many laws regulating the manner and nature of education and discipline that their parents are allowed/required to provide for them. "Had the parents taken a strong hand in the discipline and direction of their children's education, they would have been vulnerable to prosecution for a variety of serious offenses, and it is likely the government would have revoked the parents' possession of the child-property in question. "As well, most members of the community of Jonesboro, the surrounding social community, and the Christian community, would have undoubtedly used every available law and law enforcement agency at their fingertips to prevent the parents from helping their children to escape beyond the reach of 'We the Sheeple.'" A barmaid with a Rose Tattoo on her butt nodded in agreement as this portion of the Grand Jury's statement was read. The woman had fled Jonesboro the day before the shootings with her own son, having kidnapped him from a Child Services detention center, where he was placed after a Christian neighbor had turned her in for allowing him to view her live-in boyfriend's Playboy magazines. "I feel kind of guilty for leaving other people's children behind, to suffer the consequences of living in such a dangerous community, but I'm already facing one count of kidnapping..." An informal tribunal of drunks and drug addicts returning from the restrooms questioned the Grand Jury's failure to indict the government. One gentleman paused from wiping foreign substances off of his shoes, to ask, "Since the government is the chief instigator and enforcer in the process of crushing the spirit of children, providing funding for most of the boxes that their free spirits are crammed into, as well as hunting down and putting in more secure boxes those who attempt to evade their responsibility to remain within the boundaries set aside to contain their number..." "Drawing outside the lines!" someone shouted. Nodding agreement, the gentleman continued, "...then surely they should have not only been indicted, as well, and found guilty, but they should have received the same penalty as those who backed the actions of the Waco murderers, according to the guidelines of the McVeigh Convention, as passed by the Mulatohma Citizen's Tribunal presided over by Judge Bell." "Well, we did return a few *secret* indictments," the forebroad grinned, with a wink to the gentleman, "but we're waiting for TruthMonger to figure out where the 'yellow wire' goes..." In the efforts of fairness, so not to be seen as engaging in yet another round of all-too-common Suburbian Christian bashing, the Grand Jury also released evidence that communities and religions far distanced from Jonesboro should think twice before gloating over "the anal-retentives finally getting theirs," as a dark-skinned, slant-eyed member of an obscure religious cult was heard to say, before suddenly dying of alcohol poisoning, whereupon his soul went up on the roof and the bartender dialed 911, asking them to send an ambulance and a Frisbeetarian Priest: * Dubious Salvations: In January in Jerusalem, self-described mystic rabbi David Batzri offered specialized blessings in person or by telephone for those who have sinned by masturbation (which he said is the principal cause of demons). And in Hong Kong in November, self-proclaimed "knight of God" Syed Atta Muhammad, 32, was committed to a psychiatric center after he assaulted a 22-year-old tour guide, whose breasts he thought were too big to serve God because they made her look like a prostitute. ~WEIRDNUZ.526 (News of the Weird, March 6, 1998) by Chuck Shepherd