VATICAN, Monday: Numerous religion around the world have confirmed that they will close over the next few weeks following the Catholic Churchs startling declaration that it is the only valid source of salvation. The Churchs declaration, "Dominus Iesus", ended the years old debate as to which religion was correct. In the document the Catholic Church claims that it made the shrewd purchase of the rights of salvation sometime around 300BC. Aware of the possible controversy that would be caused by their statements the Church sought to placate other religions. "Just because there is no chance of salvation through them doesnt mean that Hinduism or Buddhism cant be very effective social clubs," said Pope John Paul II. The Catholic Church has defended the impartiality of the declaration which also claims that Christian religions that failed to recognise the Pope are also deficient as churches. "There was a great deal of vigour in the process and any religion could have turned out to be the correct religion," defended Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger. "I got the Pope to ask God and the answer just happened to come back in favour of Catholicism, it was just lucky for us." "I guess it is good to find out now rather than later," commented Jewish fundamentalist Rabbi Kahane who admitted that there was a sense of regret at being wrong. "Pass me a ham sandwich."