Comedy On Tap Daily Newsletter For the weekend, baby! The Senate confirmed John Ashcroft to be attorney general, giving President Bush a victory in his first battle with congressional Democrats... ... He should be a lot like Janet Reno was, only a little more feminine... HOW ON EARTH DID PETS.COM BLOW ALL THAT DOUGH? http://www.comedyontap.com/features/tasteless.htm WHAT? The Fox television network has turned down a commercial for a female contraceptive product that its makers wanted to run during "Temptation Island."... ... "This is a show about affairs and illicit sex - we wouldn't want to advertise anything that could be a BAD INFLUENCE!!!" ENTERTAINMENT Backstreet Boy Kevin Richardson is replacing previously announced bandmate Nick Carter as a contestant for "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire's" Rock Star Edition... ... Can he just lip-synch to a really smart person...? POLITICS Horror movie director Wes Craven, the man behind "Scream" and "Nightmare on Elm Street," has made a film of former President Clinton giving a White House tour during his last days in office. The footage will be used for an hour-long documentary that will be shown at the Clinton presidential library in Arkansas... ... I never screamed louder at a shower scene - there wasn't a slasher or anything, I just saw Hillary naked... DEAD, DIVORCED, MARRIED, IN JAIL OR PREGNANT (or just fat) A Texas judge told former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith to stop lying in her testimony in a family battle over the billion-dollar oil fortune of her late husband. Probate Judge Mike Wood accused Smith on Wednesday of making wildly untruthful allegations against her stepson Pierce Marshall and said he would hold her in contempt of court if she did not answer questions accurately... ... I know how the defense can get her to lie again - ask her how much she weighs... OPENING MOVIE BUZZ - yeah, we hated them all... just shows 'ya we're not owned by the studios... although we open to all offers, mind you... VALENTINE (Warner Bros.) - Hmm. A horror flick about a masked killer stalking nubile young women - gee, I can't believe they didn't screen it for the press! Rated R. BUZZ: Here's what I glommed from the official website: Kate (Marley Shelton), Paige (Denise Richards), Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw) and Lily (Jessica Cauffiel) grew up together, "scorning the nerds and presenting a united front to the school bullies" - whatever the hell that means. They grow up, get careers, but remain friends... as well as remaining single (Ah! Single women. Of course they must be punished!) As Valentine's Day approaches each woman begins receiving creepy Valentines (not as creepy as receiving one from your stepfather, but still...), which a police detective tells them could be coming from some kid they dissed at a Valentine's Day dance way back in junior high. And since none of the women remember this loser, he could be any man, anywhere. (So lemme see - any guy these ladies pick up could be a psychotic scumbag? Isn't that pretty much every night in LA?) Think this sounds good? Go see it. Think it sounds crummy? Well... usually these films aren't previewed for a reason. Ticket buyer beware. HEAD OVER HEELS (Universal) - Monica Potter (who you'll remember from "Patch Adams" - if you haven't self-lobotomized in an effort to destroy all memory of that film) plays a naïve gal from the midwest who comes to the Big Apple to work for the Metropolitan Museum of Art... somewhere this movie will never, ever be shown. She moves in with four supermodels (But of course! It's New York!) and moons over her neighbor Jim (Freddie Prinze Jr.), a certified, grade-A hunk she peeps at from her window. But one night she thinks she's witnessed hunky ol' Jim murder someone, so she and the supermodels begin snooping around to find out whether Jim is a nice guy or just another cute New York psycho. If you can't tell by now that this is pure crap you knocked out a few too many brain cells during that "Patch Adams" lobotomy. Rated PG-13. BUZZ: Full disclosure: I think Freddie Prinze Jr. - while he might be a very nice guy - is easily the worst actor in movies today. And, lo and behold, "Head Over Heels" features yet another in a series of paper-thin, puddle-deep performances from the maestro. The impressive thing is, EVERYTHING in the film is as bad as he is. Oh my God, it's AWFUL! So awful it achieves a kind of majesty - can something really be this grotesque all the way around? Apparently so! It's like some nasty scientific experiment on dead bodies or something... y'know, you don't actually want to see it, but you're glad someone proved the theory. Potter and Prinze are dreadful, and even more dreadful together (they have chemistry, all right - kind of like two substances that, when combined, produce poison gas). The supermodel roomies are played by actual models. 'Nuff said. And the script is like a 13-year-old girl decided to rethink Hitchcock's "Rear Window" - but with cute guys and supermodels! And fart jokes! Can't forget the fart jokes. Hard to believe Hitchcock let those golden opportunities slip past. So, have I made myself clear enough? Good. Hopefully I've saved you from another self-induced lobotomy. You're welcome. Also: THE MILLION DOLLAR HOTEL ON FEBRUARY 2... In 1947, actress/calendar girl Farrah Fawcett was born. She played Jill Munroe on "Charlie's Angels," and was married to Lee Majors, who played "The Six Million Dollar Man'... ... After the divorce he was the THREE million dollar man... In 1966, Woody Allen wed Louise Lasser... ... Unfortunately she didn't give him any children, so he had nobody to date for the next 20 years... MORE WOODY http://www.comedyontap.com/pantheon/allen/allen.html In 1997, police arrested McDonald's employee Mence Powell, 19, for selling marijuana in Happy Meals from the drive-through window... ... They figured it out when his customers kept getting the munchies and circling back into the drive-thru lane... ... On top of that, they got him for asking if they'd like some Coke with their order... In 1997, Connie Hamzy, a the Little Rock, Arkansas, resident known as "Sweet Sweet Connie," told the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette that she passed three polygraph tests over the weekend regarding an alleged encounter she had with then-Governor Bill Clinton in 1984. Hamzy is a self-professed sex groupie for rock bands... ... She's a music groupie? Apparently she's never heard him play the saxophone... A LITTLE MORE ABOUT CONNIE: http://www.comedyontap.com/presgirls/hamzy.html In 1997, the Broadway show "Cats," was sued by a woman who said one of the characters was too frisky. A woman says she was sitting in a orchestra seat with her fiancee when actor David Hibbard, dressed as the feline Rum Tum Tugger, came off the stage and attacked her as part of the show on Jan. 30, 1996. The New York Times says Amato filed suit asking for $6 million in punitive and compensatory damages for assault, battery, invasion of privacy and other charges... ... Not to mention the rabies shots... TASTELESS A group of Shriners has sparked a major uproar in Winnipeg after it was reported the fez-festooned members held a men-only fundraiser for sick children that featured nude dancers and public sex acts. The controversy erupted following newspaper reports that a "Gentlemen's Dinner" fundraiser, organized by the Shriners' motor patrol unit, included two nude dancers who climbed on top of a banquet table where several men touched and engaged in oral sex with them in front of hundreds of male guests... ... I guess that can't be described as "feeding the hungry..." FINALLY... You'll be happy to know that we got our financing for the movie "BachelorMan" yesterday. I had this HUGE check in my hand (largest amount of money I've ever held) and I really wanted to impress the tellers at my bank, so I go in there dressed in shorts and black sunglasses. There's six tellers and five of them are female, so I'm thinking, 'great - one of these chicks is really gonna be looking me over after she sees the amount of this check I'm depositing...' So, of course, my turn comes and it's the window with the guy. DAMN! Anyway, we got our money and we're going to make a great film. Wish me luck. - Rodney Lee rposter@aol.com http://www.comedyontap.com/film/bachelorman/bachelor.html <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> * To remove yourself from this mailing list, point your browser to: http://inbound.postmastergeneral.com/remove?OnTap:12 * Enter your email address (cypherpunks@toad.com) in the field provided and click "Unsubscribe". The mailing list ID is "OnTap:12". OR... * Forward a copy of this message to OnTap.12@lists.postmastergeneral.com with the word remove in the subject line. <mailto:OnTap.12@lists.postmastergeneral.com?subject=remove> This message was sent to address cypherpunks@toad.com X-PMG-Recipient: cypherpunks@toad.com <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>> <<<>>>