THE CYPHERPUNK ENQUIRER "Encyphering minds want to know." The EFF announced an agreement with the Clinton administration that will "guarantee Americans rights to privacy and anonymity on the Internet for the forseeable future". The agreement, which includes unspecified concessions by the President on matters of encryption, privacy, and the export of encryption programs, is to be signed today in the White House Rose Garden. An EFF official, who wished to remain anonymous, chortled, "We got basically what we wanted, and all we had to do was give up Czechoslovakia." Cellular One today announced the signing of noted Cypherpunk Tim May as their official Internet spokesperson. Mr. May will be filming a series of commercials featuring himself in a hot tub calling a variety of 1-900 numbers on a cellular phone, while a voice-over by Cellular One executives extoles their recently announced 'Geek Plan', featuring free calls during computer hacker's normal waking hours of 7pm to 7am, with all calls to pizza parlors for delivery half-price for the first year. The commercials, the first to be filmed entirely in the 'quick-time' format, should be appearing on commercial web pages within the month. The Cypherpunk Academy of Codes and Cyphers has announced the first official offshoot of the Cypherpunks list. The Junior Auxillary, anchored by the new mailing list cyphertots@juno.com, will give budding hackers the chance to get out of the house and hear famous Cypherpunks like Bill Stewart and Robert Hettinga lecture on topics such as "The Port 25 Hack - Fact or Fiction", "Hacking the Transmitter on Your Ankle Bracelet", and "SPAM - Cypherbabes are Impressed by a REALLY BIG One." To join, send a message with the body "subscribe cyphertots" to majordomo@cybercrime.fbi.gov. (note to juno.com - we don't do personals) In related news, John Young will be tutoring Dr. Dimitri Vulis in English as a Second Language. Scientists flocked to toad.com recently in response to the first authenticated sighting of a Perrygram in months. The Perrygram, only recently thought extinct, was spotted on the cypherpunks mailing list after an absence of several months. Specialists speculate that it may have detected the recent list increase in its favorite food - pure, unadulterated bullshit. The Reputation Capital markets remained in a deep slump after the recent closings of alpha.c2.org and anon.penet. Analysists estimate the loss in over 1 billion in reputation capital, with the effect spilling over to the rest of the market. Since the loss of anon.penet, Black Unicorn is down 12 5/8, Atilla down 4 3/4 to 8 1/2, Jim Ray is down 10, and Tim May, as usual, is being investigated by the Blacknet Securities and Exchange Commission for his timely shorting of Lucky Green. Novell President Joe Marengi announced today that Novell would begin bundling Microsoft's Internet Explorer with Novell Netware in the third quarter. In return, Microsoft announced plans to release his 8 year old daughter Suzanne unharmed. Next in the Enquirer: HIDE THE KIDS! FIRE UP SURFWATCH! Sandy Sandfort's latest party - WE HAVE MPEGS!