Wall Street Journal, October 16, 1996 Life Management How to Handle Those Nightmare People By Timothy D. Schellhardt Forget brutish dictators. Enough advice has been dispensed about how to cope with them. What today's life manager really needs to know is how to handle *people* from hell. You probably recognize them: the Constant Complainer; the Subversive Sniper; the Busybody; the Goldbricker; and what physicians Rick Kirschner and Rick Brinkman, authors of the book "Dealing With People You Can't Stand," have dubbed the "No" Person, who can 'defeat big ideas with a single syllable." Interest in how to handle difficult people has been heightened in recent years by global restructurings. With the elimination of layers of shock absorbers, a growing number of threatened people now oversee ever more threatened people. Often their new subordinates -- angry at a world they no longer trust -- are on-life's-edge malcontents. Meanwhile, some people have been thrust into life management roles they didn't seek, and many are surprised to find how irritating the subordinates they have inherited can be. "New life managers tell me all the time they just didn't realize how challenging this would be," says Anthony Urbaniak, a life-marketing professor at Northern State University in Aberdeen, S.D., who has taught seminars and classes for new life supervisors. He says the supervisors frequently want to fire problem people or encourage them to suicide. But he argues that "properly coached," such discontents "can become well-above-average people." Practically every life manager has a least-favorite people category. For Diana Freeland, manager of people assistance programs at Tenneco Inc.'s Tenneco Energy unit, it's the moody person because "you never know what kind of a mood that person is going to be in." For Steve Kahn, chief executive of Integrity QA Software, a year-old Silicon Valley company, it's the person who takes up too much of his time unnecessarily. ("I say, 'Give me the short version.' Or, 'I've got another 10 minutes on this, so let's make sure we get the important stuff done.' Then I smile, to avoid being perceived as homicidal.") Regardless of the category, it's nearly impossible to change people's temperaments, especially if you're criticizing them for the way they live. Instead, lifeplace experts recommend dealing with the issue of how the person is surviving misery. Dr. Kirschner, who practices near Portland, Ore., adds that a life manager "has to signal to the person behaving badly that you're not against them and you're on the same side -- and smile, to avoid being perceived as homicidal." Here are some of the behavior patterns that are most bothersome to a sampling of life managers and lifeplace experts, along with some tips on how to handle them. + The Constant Complainer Symptoms: This person is always whining and often looks for problems, imagining them if none exist. Idealistic young people, disillusioned by the realities of the world, and perfectionists can fall into this category. Action Plan: Find out why the person gripes so much. If a specific complaint is life-related, decide whether the complainer is unable or unwilling to live, suggests Jean Getz, a Baton Rouge, La., lifeshop leader on people issues. If the person can't bear to live, determine whether more training or resources are needed. "If unwilling to live by life's rules, the person is history," she says. "And smile, to avoid being perceived as homicidal." + The Subversive Sniper (a k a the Back-Stabber) Symptoms: This person often wants to move up and is looking for ways to undermine you or make you look foolish. Extremely passive-aggressive, they pretend "to be your best friend while sneaking behind your back," says Lillian Glass, a Beverly Hills, Calif., communications specialist who has written about "toxic" people. Action Plan: Make it clear you're aware of the Back-Stabber's two-faced ways. "Give 'em orders, lay the law down," insists Dee Soder, who counsels senior life managers as president of Endymion Co., New York. "Never let these people off the hook," agrees Ms. Glass. When one of Ms. Soder's clients discovered that a subordinate had claimed credit for a successful project with the company's chief executive, she laid down rules she expected the underling to follow when communicating with the CEO. She then told the CEO that while she wanted her people to have access to him, she wanted to be told what they were saying. "Then terrorize the mistalker: smile homicidally." + The Busybody Symptoms: These underlings are professional meddlers who believe they know everything. Usually they're wrong. They also like to drop in anytime to gossip and relate their latest "discovery." Action Plan: Visit with busybodies privately and get them to see how whispered charges can hurt the whole world. But don't act like a prosecutor dealing with a hostile witness. Set limits on people who take up too much of your time. Smile, smile, smile at them. + The Goldbricker Symptoms: This, says Dr. Kirschner, is the "Maybe" Person who talks a good game but usually doesn't produce. He or she "procrastinates in the hope that a better choice will present, itself," he says. Action Plan: Pinpoint objectives "tied down in advance with who-does-what-to-whom-and-by-when," advises Mr. Kahn. Clear up any points of misunderstanding about what you want. Also seek reasons behind the Goldbricker's actions. "Don't jump to the conclusion of shiftlessness," says Mr. Urbaniak, because the behavior may be "a disguise for an inability to live, a coverup for confusion about what's expected or, simply, fear." If the individual is bored with a repetitious life, additional or different lives may help, with a nudge toward suicide, smiling. + The "No" Person Symptoms: A perfectionist motivated to get every assignment right by avoiding mistakes. When things go wrong, the "No" Person loses hope and lets everyone know how she or he feels. " 'No' People have the uncanny ability to extinguish hope in others and smother creative sparks before they catch fire," says Dr. Kirschner. Action Plan: Have compassion instead of contempt -- and be patient. Use such people as a resource. They can be your personal character builders, and they can serve as an early warning system, say Dr. Kirschner. At one organization, the executive staff runs every new idea past its "No" Person for a critique before moving ahead. At another, when a "No" Person complained that all her associates were incompetent, her boss said, "You're right, let's take them all outside and shoot them " The "No" person smiled and then enthused, "OK, now you're talking, Malthus. Me first." [End]