State of the Nation [-]

-----BEGIN PGP SIGNED MESSAGE----- - -----BEGIN TERRORIST PLAINTEXT MUNITION MESSAGE----- Version: 6.66 State of the Nation by Jo Min Ivan See Johnny run. See Spot run. See Spot the friendly wolf-hybrid bite Johnny in the ass. Johnny can't read. Johnny Kant spel too good neither. Johnny is graded on a curve. See Johnny get an 'A' on his next test. Johnny works for minimum wage at Wall-Dart. Most of Johnny's customers use their credit cards to go into even more debt. See Johnny give incorrect change when someone payz with cash. Johnny Kant Kount. Read Johnny's employer's policy of giving discounts to debit card customers. See the airport security body scanner at the front door of the store. See the security camera in the dressing rooms. Johnny feels very very safe. Johnny feels goatees are cool. Johnny feels that Trent and Kurdt are GOD. Johnny is sooooo alternative. Johnny has an AOL account. Johnny feels nipple rings are passe. Johnny wants to pierce his tooth with a power drill. Johnny attends public school. Johnny feels good about himself. Johnny wants to work for the government when he growz up. Johnny hearz it ain't too hard to get a job with guvmint. Johnny is functionally illiterate, apathetic, and proud of it. Johnny doesn't know the Bill of Rights from a Bill of Goods. Johnny's teacher works for the government. Johnny's teacher votes for higher taxes. Johnny's teacher thinks the Declaration of Independence is really an Entitlement to Dependence. Hear Johnny's teacher complain about pornographers during her cigarette break. See Johnny point his browser in the library to WWW.BARELY14_CYBERSLUT_LUST.NL.CUM Johnny kant unnerstan what he reedz. Johnny knowz what consolez are. Johnny knows how to get around NetGranny. See Johnny's teacher's Ben-Her balls fall out of her purse in the cafeteria. See Johnny's classmate put a fresh tape in the hidden video camera in his teacher's bedroom. Johnny's teacher is dropping her kids off at soccer practice. Johnny's teacher puts naughty things into her mouth when her children are at soccer practice. See Johnny's coins fall out of his pocket when he hops into the minivan. Johnny feels carrying cash and coins is a nuisance. Johnny doesn't know $1,000 Federal Reserve Notes were ever printed. See Johnny carry a dozen credit cards in his pocket. Johnny doesn't know FRN's were ever backed with anything other than empty promises and more debt. See Johnny's digitized picture on his SmartCard. Johnny doesn't know guvmint's promise to redeem FRN's with lawful money was nothing more than an empty lie. Johnny feels only drug dealers carry $100 bills. By Johnny's logic all of his ancestors were drug dealers. All of his ancestors should be dug up and thrown in jail where they belong; laws should be applied retroactively, don't you know. Johnny has never bought a rifle with a 1000 Franc note. Johnny has never bought a rifle. Johnny has never seen a silver dollar. See the ill-tempered bureaucrat at DMV take Johnny's fingerprints. See Johnny get his retina scanned. See Johnny apply for his Interstate Access TollCard. See Johnny's complete life history updated on his SmartCard. See the convicted pedophile on the state payroll enter Johnny's vital statistics into the DMV database. See the pedophile cross-reference several hundred guvmint and private sector databases to confirm that Johnny is not an illegal alien. The pedophile is glad, he prefers little white boys to molest when he gets out of jail again for the 3rd time. Johnny just got his first drivers license. Johnny is very very happy. See Johnny crash the family minivan into a tree. See Johnny's bong tip over. See Johnny harm the environment. See Johnny contribute to deforestation. See Johnny traumatized; mommy says he's can't drive again for six months. See Johnny traumatized; he can't get laid in the back of the minivan for six more months. See Johnny attend a tree-sensitivity group therapy session for traumatized youth. See Johnny promise to be tolerant and compassionate towards all of Mother Earth's creations. See Johnny pledge to help plug the ozone hole. See Johnny pledge to help stop global warming. See Johnny pray to God to please stop El Nino and world hunger. See Johnny pledge to do his part for sustainable development. See Johnny pledge to help fight off the coming alien invasion. Johnny feels empowered. Johnny feels a sense of unity with the global village. See Johnny promise never to own an assault weapon. See Johnny's cousin smuggle black-market CFC's across the Mexican border. Johnny's teacher tells the class that AIDS-infected crackheads are victims of societal neglect. Johnny's teacher tells the class that teenage girls who have sex with AIDS-infected crackheads in exchange for drugs are victims of societal neglect. Johnny's teacher feels that lack of sufficient sex education funding is an ongoing national crisis. Johnny wonders if any of the cheerleaders like to take drugs. See Johnny's teacher hand out strawberry-flavored condoms. See many of the students complain that they aren't banana-flavored. See the student body president complain the school is discriminating against third-world tropical fruit pickers. A lawsuit is threatened. See the feminist activist protest the discrimination against lesbians. A hunger strike is threatened. Johnny's teacher explains the school ran out of dental dams and butt plugs because mean-spirited rich people voted down the tax increase. Johnny's mommy is afraid of scary-looking black guns. Johnny's mommy wants the government to prevent her children or anyone else from being able to read messages written by people using anonymous remailers and other terrorists who own scary-looking black guns. Johnny feels Nazis who own scary-looking black guns are bad, bad people. Johnny knows that all people without badges and battering rams who own scary-looking black guns are Nazis. Johnny knows this because expert telejournalists report based on their interviews of expert professional fund-raisers that all people who own scary-looking black guns are Nazis; so it must be true. Johnny doesn't know the first thing about proper firearms safety. Johnny's been taught at school to run away very very fast when he sees a gun and tell a responsible adult right away so that a responsible BATF agent riding in an armored personnel carrier can go confiscate it. Johnny's idea of field-stripping is taking his girlfriends' bra and panties off on the soccer field. See Johnny's uncle shoot his friend in the foot while cleaning a loaded handgun. Johnny's congressman wants to pass a law to confiscate any handgun a child sees. Studies have shown the image of scary-looking black guns alters a young innocent child's brain development forever and scars them for life. Based on this study, the editorial board of the Suburba Sun Times urges all owners of scary-looking black guns to turn them in in exchange for twenty lottery tickets and a donation of fifty dollars made in the Nazi's name to the National Public Radio pledge drive. The Suburba Sun Times endorses the congressman's Child Handgun Viewing Prevention Safety Act. Johnny's congressman's armed security detail is issued brand new scary-looking black guns. Johnny's dad feels more prisons need to be built for evil drug dealers and money launderers. Johnny's uncle is an unemployed ex-prison guard. Johnny's uncle owes Johnny's dad money. Johnny's dad complains about confiscatory taxes. Johnny's dad complains about confiscatory child support payments. Johnny's dad's mistress complains he doesn't buy her enough jewelry. Johnny's dad blew his paycheck on homemade hidden-camera porno videos. Johnny hears on the news that people who smoke cigarettes, get cancer and then die are victims of evil tobacco companies. Hear Johnny's dad tell his buddies pot-smokers should be locked up for life. See Johnny's dad guzzle beer with his buddies during the football game. See Johnny's dad get pretty damn drunk. See Johnny's dad drive up to the 24-7 to buy another case of Schmeister. Johnny's dad's buddies finished the pizza that arrived before he got back. See Johnny's dad's buddy's enormous beer-belly. See it giggle when he walks. See Johnny's dad's buddy call Pizza Shack to order another one for himself. See Johnny's dad's buddy drink Diet Choke. See Johnny's dad's buddy eat potato chips made with an FDA approved fat substitute. How can you see anything with all the cigar and cigarette smoke in the room? Listen to Johnny's dad's buddy fart up a storm. Johnny hears the government say that money launderers are very, very bad people. Johnny feels money launderers must be almost as bad as PGP exporters and other terrorists he keeps hearing about. Johnny doesn't understand what it is exactly that money launderers do, but if the government and the media say it's bad, then it must be very very bad. Johnny feels it must be even worse than what murderers and child molesters and cryptographers do. After all, his uncle says money launderers stay in jail longer than murderers and child molesters, right? Johnny feels, after all, crackheads and child molesters can't control what they do, but people who keep money hidden away from the government, well, that's very, _VERY_ bad. Johnny feels if there are too many money launderers, he might be forced to have to use SmartCard to buy _his own_ strawberry-flavored condoms. Johnny feels that would suck. See Johnny's dad open a letter from his political party asking for contributions and investments for our children. The politician writes to Johnny's dad that if Johnny's dad gives him enough investment capital, the politician will be elected, then he can form a bipartisan coalition of concerned politicians to finally declare martial law to crack down on money launderers and other terrorists. The politician says it is Johnny's dad's duty to contribute to the cause. Johnny's dad writes a check for $999.99 made out to the Republicrat Peoples Party of America. Johnny's dad delivers the check personally to the party office. He ran out of stamps and doesn't like to go to the post office anyway for fear of getting shot. The politician calls his buddy at the IRS. Johnny's dad's scheduled audit is cancelled. The check bounces. The politician deposits the money in his Swiss bank account after routing it through multiple dummy corporations via cross-continent swaps and a chain of wire-transfers performed by cut-out surrogates. Strangely enough, during this time, the FINCEN Transactional Analysis Software was down for maintenance. So was INTERFIPOL's. How 'bout that? Johnny's dad picks up the remote and starts to channel-surf. Johnny's dad's mistress is watching the Jerry Stringer show. Today's show is titled "A Dominatrix needs love too; a servant's Christmas guide to buying harnesses, dildos and lubricant for that special someone." See Johnny's aunt go to the 24-7 to buy lottery tickets. Johnny's aunt doesn't have a bank account and cashes her government checks at a check cashing service. Johnny's aunt buys several money orders to send to distant relatives in the Czech Republic. FINCEN goons suspect she is a money launderer. Johnny's aunt buys a carton of cigarettes with her food stamps. She gets into her old beater and drives off. Johnny's aunt has a smile on her face. At that moment a low-elevation spy satellite is passing over the 24-7. A bored NSA spook is watching Johnny's aunt, too. He thinks to himself 'That Jerry Stringer show was much more interesting than this crap. If she's a money launderer, I'm Al Capone.' Johnny's aunt wants to play bingo at the church fundraiser tonight. The church is a thirty minute drive from the 24-7 if she gets on the interstate. Since she doesn't have a TollCard, or a driver's license for that matter, she decides to take the arterial roads. Johnny's aunt is feeling very lucky. She'll review her encrypted forwarded statements from Robber Barron Bank, Grand Cayman branch, afterwards. See Johnny's mommy stuff her face with cookies and cake. See Johnny's mommy go to the instant-no-effort weight loss clinic. See Johnny's mommy watch the nice network news anchor tell her about a new approved breakthrough magic weight loss wonder drug pill. See the nice multinational pharmaceutical's commercial promoting the revolutionary miracle cure for those victimized by obesity. Johnny's mommy thinks, at last, I can stuff my face with all the munchies I wanna eat, and still look thinner than a heroin junkie. Johnny's mommy rolls her own joints. See Johnny's sister pick up the remote. She starts to channel surf. See Johnny's sister watch a breast-implant infomercial. See Johnny's mommy pop two pen-pen pills. Johnny's mommy needs heart surgery. See the extremist doctor invent an effective treatment for pen-pen induced heart problems. See the FDA not approve the treatment. See the FDA helicopter gunships strafe the extremist terrorist doctor's clinic and confiscate his property. See Johnny's mommy get liposuction. Johnny's mommy feels socialized medicine is a right. She is relieved to hear the government has dictated that liposuction is covered under her health plan since it is approved and not done for cosmetic reasons. The government doctor that Johnny has a license to receive treatment from has some very very disturbing news. While the super-duper-penicillin will probably kill off the super-penicillin resistant strain of syphilis he's picked up, there is an eight month waiting list for a week's supply at the government-run pharmacy. Even worse, the wonder drug that was supposed to be able to treat that nasty rash on his private parts has been recalled because, although effective at removing herpes, it had the unfortunate side effect of causing male reproductive organs to shrivel up and fall off. Labeled "Lorena's Solution" by the press, several lawsuits are now pending. A spokesman for Cure My Willy LLC, had no comment. 'There's nothing more I can do except refer you to a qualified counselor." Johnny's assigned doctor said. Something's wrong. Johnny's depressed. Life is tough these days what with all the drug-dealing gun-toting money-laundering anonymous-remailing cash-using message-encrypting mean-spirited insensitively-polluting insufficiently-contributing pornography-consuming tax-evading conspiracy-theorizing uncompassionate-hateful-moral-values-imposing constitutionalist-reactionary-isolationist-survivalist bomb-building-fertilizer-buying right-wing-fanatical terrorist cells running around out there tormenting Johnny and posing a threat to all the other little children we must protect from harm. Johnny's mommy is upset. It's not supposed to be this dangerous living in a social democracy like ours. Johnny's mommy decides to get involved. She forms She forms M.A.E.D.; Mothers Against Everything Dangerous. Johnny's mommy is empowered now. Journalists quote her as an authoritative source when they write their stories. MAED is getting laws passed. Good things are happening. But something's still wrong. Johnny's still depressed. What could it be? He won't talk to me about it. Johnny's mommy is frantic, she does what any decent responsible parent would do under the circumstances, Johnny's mommy e-mails her congressman: NONE OF US ARE SAFE. DO SOMETHING. ANYTHING. MAKE IT GO AWAY! NOW!!!! Johnny's therapist knows what's wrong with him. He knows just what Johnny needs. But lobotomies are not politically-correct. So we'll put Johnny on Shitalin. Johnny can cope now. Ahhh, isn't Johnny adorable? Look how calm he is. Johnny's goverment thinks Johnny is a model citizen. They'll pay for the Shitalin. Poorzac, too, if he wants it. No waiting list for those drugs. Everyone knows we must all give up our freedom to protect The Children. Anything for the Children. Like Johnny. We must make sacrifices jor Johnny. There is too much freedom. And not enough protection for The Children. If we don't do something now what does the future hold for all the Children? Children are our most precious resource. The Children are the future. Like Johnny... We can save them. Join MAED now won't you... - -----END TERRORIST PLAINTEXT MUNITION MESSAGE----- © Copyright November 1997-2067 Jo Min Ivan. All Rights Reserved. This touching bit of agitprop brought to you by: POL POT CHUCK & Associates "Exterminating the unarmed, socialist intelligentsia since 1917." Pol Pot Chuck sayz: Learn how to plant evidence, explosives and informants: Support your local N.G.O. -----BEGIN PGP SIGNATURE----- Version: 2.6.2 Charset: noconv iQCVAgUBNF6qelDd8XfHqloRAQFNxAP+JyLpZQE4gOb3ZgwwZBWq/D9wn7+fvz3R hs2zX/icFhL0YVh25foarIxEWEOBue8NY3D2xJdoXW4UZdZZtWUga0MnBjDyhUo5 /iIV1s7douE7JAWk98GXd8vSjui3DpP5c5DB6frF+xOJ9LPiXoNnowWLae27noQJ Y8hkl8b+RTU= =WI9v -----END PGP SIGNATURE-----